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| Photo credit: Julie Drake 1998 |
2) If someone else is playing with something or using it, it should be yours and you will use the most extreme measures to get it in your possession. If the other person loses interest in it, then so do you.
3) Toys are only meant to distract you from your important mission of mayhem and destruction. Never give in to the distraction! Stay focused on the mission.
4) Food is not for eating, except for a token amount to placate parents. Every other non-edible item that can fit in the mouth is fair game. Pet food is edible, but also gets a desired disgusted reaction from parents. Win-win!
5) When parents are trying to dress you, it is your job to fight it. You may have to cooperate with them during the process, but once you are fully dressed and the parent is preoccupied with another child or any other important task, promptly remove all your clothes.
6) Your food and your diaper contents become your palette. Furniture and walls are your canvas. You are the artist.
7) Secret hiding places for car keys, wallets, cell phones, half-chewed sticky candies, bottles filled with milk are: between the couch cushions, garbage cans (this is especially true for car keys, cell phones and wallets), behind the furniture that is too heavy to be moved and in the toilet.
8) All toilet paper is to be removed from the roll and if you have time, it is to be deposited into the toilet.
9) You are an affectionate being. Your job is to sweetly desire affection, but only at times when adults are busy with important or time-sensitive tasks, but never at convenient times when on their terms.
10) Fight sleep. Sleep is a time where adults conspire to do enjoyable and relaxing activities that you aren’t allowed to be a part of. Use any means necessary to stay awake and never let your parents sleep either. Cry for no particular reason, ask for toys and bottles, poop your pants, find your loudest toy and play with it… do anything to destroy the peace.
11) Short rides in the car are your time for your power naps. You will need these moments to recharge so that you have the energy to cause mayhem when you get back home.
12) Bath time. Water is fun! Make sure it gets all over the bathroom floor, linens and any other thing in the bathroom that may be dry. Fight getting your hair washed and once your parent is distracted with trying to clean up your mess, empty the entire contents of any bottles into the bathtub, floors, rugs or anything that may distract your parent so you can get into other things.
13) Always act cute in public so that others can see how angelic you are and that you can never possibly be a terror at home… unless you are at a restaurant, theater or any other place where peace and decorum are expected. Then is the time to show your real colors.
14) Your parents take periodic breaks throughout the day to go to the bathroom and get food. Take note of these times and act like you are playing quietly while they sneak off to do their business. Once they are out of sight, escape! Run out the door and down the street. This is most effective when you have already taken off all your clothes. Be aware and plan ahead.
15) Books are for destroying. Great satisfaction can be gained through the ripping sensation at your fingertips. Take note of where your parents hide their pens, markers, scissors and glue. These are meant to facilitate in your book destruction… or any other item of value that happens to be in the area.
16) Scissors are also useful for self-cosmetology. Your first cut (before your parent can get the chance to ruin your artistic experience) is the hair in the front… all the way to the scalp. This will provide the most intense reaction from your mother - real tears!
17) You are an interior decorator. Do your job often and thoroughly. Organize the CDs, DVDs and video games by pulling them all out and scattering them on the floor. Don’t forget to take all the disks out of their cases, and if possible, break them or scratch the surfaces. This will ensure that your parent(s) will spend more time with you instead of relaxing or recreating.
18) If it’s liquid and in a container, the liquid needs to be liberated, anywhere and everywhere.
19) Electrical outlets look like a face. They need to be fed. With metal utensils or anything else that will fit. They are hungry.
20) Quiet time is meant for parents to be quiet and toddlers to be noisy.
Bonus: Toddlerhood only lasts only for a few years. Take advantage of it to the fullest. Before you know it, you will be sent off to preschool and then elementary school where you won’t be at home to demonstrate your epic toddler abilities anymore. Be creative in ways that are beyond these basic rules and your life will be rewarded by stories that your parents can share with other parents. You don’t want to be one of the lame children who has no stories, do you?
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