Bullies and Manipulators... Not Everything Is Always As It Seems

When I was a kid, I was an easy target for bullies. A lot of it had to do with being one of the smallest kids, which made me particularly vulnerable. I was never looking for trouble, but somehow it always seemed to find me. I always avoided confrontation at any cost, but I was also somewhat of an annoying kid, apparently. So, I guess I had it coming? Anyway, it was a regular thing to be harassed and picked on physically, verbally and mentally through my grade school years. These unfortunate experiences have given me insight. I can spot a bully in an altercation a mile away. There are different methods that bullies use against their victims and when they are caught, most of the time they turn it around to make it look like THEY (the bullies themselves) are the victims who were just minding their own business.
Bullies come in many shapes, sizes and demographics. Sometimes, the bully is one who you would least expect, because they don't always fit the stereotypical brawny kid who is too tough to be challenged physically. In fact, oftentimes bullies can come disguised as those who appear to be weaker, disadvantaged or vulnerable. I can't tell you how many bullies I had to deal with who were girls or younger kids. There was one girl in middle school who would threaten to beat me up almost every day... and I had no idea what her problem with me was. My best defense was to avoid her. She would tell me she was going to meet up with me at a certain place after school to beat me up, so I would find somewhere else to go. By her announcement, I could always avoid getting beat up, but we can't always avoid bullies.
Those who fit a profile of weakness, small stature or being female take advantage of their perceived vulnerabilities because people generally believe they couldn't possibly cause harm to anybody, and they enlist an army of others to their defense and abuse authorities (like principals, teachers, law enforcement or other agencies, supervisors, parents and so forth) to come to their aid. They are master manipulators, and often devise elaborate schemes to extort their victims. The end objectives differ, but typically the goal is power, attention or material compensation of some sort. The sheer thrill of breaking someone is a bonus.
A classic setup that is used quite often (because it is effective... at least in the short range) is when a bully picks a fight with a person who is an ideal target. Through constant haranguing and physical assaults, they get under the skin of their target. As much as the person tries to ignore the inappropriate and abusive behavior, the harassment continues until the target employs defensive measures. The very moment that person tries to defend themselves from the abuse, any defensive maneuver is exploited and used against the victim. Sometimes there are bruises or scars as "proof" that the victim had caused injury. Sometimes these injuries are even self-inflicted. It's part of the price that is paid for getting one's way. They aren't afraid of pain or injury as long as it works toward their advantage of reaching an objective.
They are used to getting what they want through their manipulation and abuse and will use people until they are no longer useful or who discover their lies and schemes, and then they discard them. Their loyalty only goes as far as their exploitation of a person, organization or system. What is really sickening is that many of them will even hide behind a church or other organizations that represent benevolence as part of their act of innocence and goodwill.
But it's all an act... and it falls apart under cross-examination and a little research. Since the stories change situationally (depending on who the manipulative bully is talking to or what their objective is at the time). One thing is usually consistent though, and that is the methods used. Since there is no loyalty, don't be surprised when this "vulnerable" person you're defending turns against you and uses the same methods against you that they've used against others they have used.
Bullies and manipulators are also adept at projection. They observe situations carefully and use situations and victimhood - even that of their very own victims - to turn the story around as if their own abusive actions were inflicted on them by their victims. It's pathetic, really, leaving any reliable witnesses with their mouths gaping open in disbelief. But any witnesses to the offenses are culled from their circle or discredited with any dirt that can be dug up - whether it is true, unsubstantiated rumor or fabricated.
So, how do we deal with these bullies? What is our best defense? The easiest way is to avoid any entanglements with them. Trust me, you DON'T want to be involved in any way, shape or form. But we can't always avoid them and sometimes we end up in personal or professional relationships with them. This requires constant documentation. Keep a journal, take accurate and timely notes, record conversations, make screenshots, enlist reliable and honest witnesses, use your resources of photography and video capabilities and any way you can document and protect yourself. Lies, exaggerations and fabrications any perceived credibility will eventually break down when truth and accuracy is presented and all will ultimately know the truth... who is trustworthy and who is not worthy of trust.

Superhuman Powers of Toddlers - Producing Material Out Of Nowhere

One thing that's always baffled me is the super-human ability of toddlers - one, being the skill of being able to make produce more material than what the kid started out with. Anyone who has closely observed a toddler in action will know exactly what I'm talking about.

For instance: You set the child in a high chair and give him some spaghetti. Come back to him and there is spaghetti literally EVERYWHERE in a 6-foot radius of the high chair, all over the tray, in his hair, all over his body and somehow some that has gotten inside his clothing... even the diaper sometimes. This doesn't even account for the food that he has already fed the dog. You KNOW you didn't give the kid that much spaghetti. It's not even possible for an adult to spread that amount of food out in such a large area. And you know the baby has finished (I mean, actually gotten sufficient amount of food in his mouth for him to be satisfied) because once he is no longer hungry, he attempts to throw every particle of food off the tray and onto the floor and anything or anyone else in the local vicinity.

All the input being taken into account, the chunky kid continues to gain more chunk, even if for all intents and purposes, it appears that none of the food makes it into his mouth. And the toddler also needs to get the energy from somewhere. As an active person, I know how many calories I burn from strenuous physical activity. I know how many more calories I need to ingest in order to keep up with a toddler too. And it's a lot. I might eat a donut or two... and I made the mistake of handing a nibble of donut to the baby as he was in the living room. How in the world such a small portion end up in such a large debris field of crumbs and white powder, I will never know. Now shut up and give me another donut so I'll have the energy to clean up this mess.

*Scat alert* If you don't want to read about poop, read no further.

Then comes the sheer volume of human waste produced by a toddler. I lose track of counting the number of diapers that a toddler completely fills during a day. An adult might use the restroom once, maybe twice during the day for such matters. A baby will poop, then once you change the diaper, will take satisfaction of pooping again in that fresh diaper. How is this even done? Several months ago, before we had babies in the house, we were thinking about having our garbage service come every other week because we weren't filling the can. And the stuff we DID put into the can was so light, I was wondering if someone was throwing bags of helium balloons away. Now, with three babies in the house, the garbage can gets so full every week that I have to get in and stomp down the garbage. Besides when we are knocking out walls for remodeling or decluttering, the last time I can recall having to stomp on the garbage to get it all to fit was when the kids were going to elementary school. The reason I remember that because I was jumping off the fire hydrant into the can when the school bus showed up, which was kind of humiliating hearing some of the kids laughing, "Look at that man jumping in that garbage can." I had to become more discreet about my trash-compacting activities after that.

Not only is there a significant amount of bulk added to the can now, but there is also a lot more weight - which can directly be attributed to soiled diapers. Bags and bags of them.

Now, this may seem kinda gross, but if you come as a guest to my house, prepare yourself for the smell of poop. That's a fact of life when you have babies. No matter how you bag up the diapers, or how many times you spray Febreeze, there will always be that smell lingering... wafting in the air under your nose as you try to enjoy any meal you try to enjoy. This smell doesn't account for the cat litter box, whatever the dog might have rolled in, or any walls, bedding or furniture that the babies might have finger-painted previously... and thank goodness this hasn't happened in this episode of parenting... yet. If you've gotten this far and you are grossed out, it's your own fault. I warned you. But any parent who's ever raised a toddler will shrug it off. Any parent who's raised a toddler deserves a badge... some sort of badge, even if it's brown and in the shape of a poop. Wear it with honor! If you are such a parent, you would wear any such badge proudly, because you survived toddlerhood.

Now onto puberty. 'Nother phase, 'nother badge deserved. We won't get too much off subject, but suffice it to say that toddlers DO have superhuman powers... only to be outdone by the powers of teenagers, which is a whole 'nother story in itself. Now, shall we discuss the superhuman power that toddlers have of finding things? I mean, finding things you thought were hidden or that you don't even remember owning anymore? Toddlers...

Responding to Toxic People

Sometimes you want to reprove the people directly and bluntly, who need to hear it the most, but those people are the least likely to do anything to change - but rather with their toxic, lying, manipulative personalities, they tend to turn around and attack anyone who dares to point out how they are hurting others and destroying lives. They will twist things around as if the person attempting to defend themselves against such harmful behavior is the aggressor and they are the victim, even to the point of resorting to making false accusations, projecting their own weaknesses as though they are others' faults.

Some of these toxic people, with their histrionics and effective manipulation tactics are VERY convincing because they have made a lifetime of this practice and get better at it with each episode, so it's sometimes really difficult to discern who is telling the truth in any given altercation. It gets to the point where you will start to develop trust issues, not only with the parties involved, but with people in general, because once you become a victim of manipulation, ensnared in lies, deceptions, half-truths, omissions of pertinent facts and character assassination towards you and those in your circle of family and close friends, it becomes difficult to trust anyone or their motives anymore.

At this point, the only things I can offer is:

First to be honest with yourself, with all your flaws, weakness and background. Don't beat yourself up over your past though, especially if you have changed, repented and moved on.

Second, know yourself. This is very important and helps you stay grounded, especially when a toxic person is using a technique called gaslighting to mess with your mind and make you think YOU are the one who is crazy. It helps to keep a daily journal and include not only the significant happenings in your life, but what people said, what you said and what your feelings were at the time. I have kept a daily journal for many years, but I wish I had been more faithful in times where I had the most difficulties in my life... where writing those thoughts down would have been helpful in, if nothing more, allowing me to know myself better.

Finally, the only other thing I can offer is to keep God in your life and not to become bitter. Don't become like the person who is attacking you. One of the best ways to serve God is to provide service and be compassionate towards other people, even if they have wronged you. This is THE best medicine to heal a spiritually and emotionally broken soul. You may never gain gratitude or even acknowledgement from those you have provided service to and in many cases they will even use your acts of service and sacrifice as ammunition in cases against you. Don't let that stop you though because God knows what you did, you know what you did and those who are in tune with listening to God will know who you truly are.

Rules for Toddlers

Photo credit: Julie Drake 1998

1) Find the most expensive things in the house and epically destroy them in the messiest way possible. Example: Pour honey all over a MacBook Pro.

2) If someone else is playing with something or using it, it should be yours and you will use the most extreme measures to get it in your possession. If the other person loses interest in it, then so do you.

3) Toys are only meant to distract you from your important mission of mayhem and destruction. Never give in to the distraction! Stay focused on the mission.

4) Food is not for eating, except for a token amount to placate parents. Every other non-edible item that can fit in the mouth is fair game. Pet food is edible, but also gets a desired disgusted reaction from parents. Win-win!

5) When parents are trying to dress you, it is your job to fight it. You may have to cooperate with them during the process, but once you are fully dressed and the parent is preoccupied with another child or any other important task, promptly remove all your clothes.

6) Your food and your diaper contents become your palette. Furniture and walls are your canvas. You are the artist.

7) Secret hiding places for car keys, wallets, cell phones, half-chewed sticky candies, bottles filled with milk are: between the couch cushions, garbage cans (this is especially true for car keys, cell phones and wallets), behind the furniture that is too heavy to be moved and in the toilet.

8) All toilet paper is to be removed from the roll and if you have time, it is to be deposited into the toilet.

9) You are an affectionate being. Your job is to sweetly desire affection, but only at times when adults are busy with important or time-sensitive tasks, but never at convenient times when on their terms.

10) Fight sleep. Sleep is a time where adults conspire to do enjoyable and relaxing activities that you aren’t allowed to be a part of. Use any means necessary to stay awake and never let your parents sleep either. Cry for no particular reason, ask for toys and bottles, poop your pants, find your loudest toy and play with it… do anything to destroy the peace.

11) Short rides in the car are your time for your power naps. You will need these moments to recharge so that you have the energy to cause mayhem when you get back home.

12) Bath time. Water is fun! Make sure it gets all over the bathroom floor, linens and any other thing in the bathroom that may be dry. Fight getting your hair washed and once your parent is distracted with trying to clean up your mess, empty the entire contents of any bottles into the bathtub, floors, rugs or anything that may distract your parent so you can get into other things.

13) Always act cute in public so that others can see how angelic you are and that you can never possibly be a terror at home… unless you are at a restaurant, theater or any other place where peace and decorum are expected. Then is the time to show your real colors.

14) Your parents take periodic breaks throughout the day to go to the bathroom and get food. Take note of these times and act like you are playing quietly while they sneak off to do their business. Once they are out of sight, escape! Run out the door and down the street. This is most effective when you have already taken off all your clothes. Be aware and plan ahead.

15) Books are for destroying. Great satisfaction can be gained through the ripping sensation at your fingertips. Take note of where your parents hide their pens, markers, scissors and glue. These are meant to facilitate in your book destruction… or any other item of value that happens to be in the area.

16) Scissors are also useful for self-cosmetology. Your first cut (before your parent can get the chance to ruin your artistic experience) is the hair in the front… all the way to the scalp. This will provide the most intense reaction from your mother - real tears!

17) You are an interior decorator. Do your job often and thoroughly. Organize the CDs, DVDs and video games by pulling them all out and scattering them on the floor. Don’t forget to take all the disks out of their cases, and if possible, break them or scratch the surfaces. This will ensure that your parent(s) will spend more time with you instead of relaxing or recreating.

18) If it’s liquid and in a container, the liquid needs to be liberated, anywhere and everywhere.

19) Electrical outlets look like a face. They need to be fed. With metal utensils or anything else that will fit. They are hungry.

20) Quiet time is meant for parents to be quiet and toddlers to be noisy.

Bonus: Toddlerhood only lasts only for a few years. Take advantage of it to the fullest. Before you know it, you will be sent off to preschool and then elementary school where you won’t be at home to demonstrate your epic toddler abilities anymore. Be creative in ways that are beyond these basic rules and your life will be rewarded by stories that your parents can share with other parents. You don’t want to be one of the lame children who has no stories, do you?
 

Inspired to Run

One avenue of inspiration for my stories and songs comes directly from the ignorant and "adventurous" things I've done and the situations I have gotten myself into.

One of those random memories was when I started running as a young adult. I wasn't a runner and had never ran more than a mile before, but I went out and pulled a Forrest Gump. One warm summer day when I was about 19, I put on a tank top and my short '80s shorts and just took off running. I didn't have a plan and figured I would just run until I felt like coming back. I ended up on the other side of town. So, I lived in the Marietta area and ended up by Fred Meyer on Lakeway... not taking a very direct route. I got there and was amazed at how far I had gone and thought, "well, I think I will just go home now."

I should have stopped some places along the way and got some water as I was quite dehydrated by the time I got home. I felt like I was going to die for the next couple of days. I could hardly even walk. But then, rather than giving up and wasting that newfound impetus, I went ahead and ran again a couple days later. I was sore, but pushed right through the pain. I became a runner. I wasn't fast. I was never fast. It wasn't about being fast though, it was about the accomplishment and the experience. I am not built like a runner because I have a long torso and short bow-legs. Three weeks after my initial run (which I later calculated to be between 17-20 miles), I ran my first (and only) half-marathon. I was far from first place, but I wasn't close to last place either. I think I was somewhere in-between. There was a physical and mental transformation that happened in my life at that time. It was indescribable and can only be understood by someone who has actually experienced it. I felt energized, physically and mentally and I felt a tremendous boost in confidence. After that, I felt driven to go out and run and go on long-distance bike rides.

Several years later, I got married and my habits started to suddenly take a turn towards a sedentary lifestyle. I gained some weight and lost the drive to be physically active. It wasn't until I was over 40 when I actually had the desire to lose weight and become physically active again. For many years, I thought it would be impossible to run, not yet sprint, ever again. I didn't do the Forrest Gump thing like I did when I was nineteen. I probably would have died - for real this time. I worked up to it. I started running around our block, which is about .7 miles. My first actual run was 3.5 miles. It was excruciating and it would have been easy to quit and never try again, but once again (as I did when I was in my prime), I pushed right through the pain. I gradually increased my distance through the course of the next several months. At the end of our driveway, I kept water, Gatorade and a notepad. I would alternate water and Gatorade on my laps and I kept tally marks in my notepad and wrote down notes as I was inspired to.

Well-worn running shoes

One day, I decided I wanted a little more freedom. I was ready for it. I learned from my mistakes though, knowing that I needed to stay hydrated. I also bought some higher quality running shoes and running socks to prevent blisters and injury. That made a huge difference. I got a hydration pack and I brought my notepad with me as well as a cellphone and a few other items. Even though it was a bit uncomfortable and hard to get used to, my hydration pack was my key to freedom. I got to a point where I felt I could run ANYWHERE... literally. My excursions would take me around the neighborhood and across town. I got into the habit of running a minimum of three times a week and cycling, hiking or walking on my "off" days. I never entered any official races. I never felt like I needed to compete or that I needed a trophy for validation. This was/is a personal journey and isn't about winning. My weekly runs would be short-long-short. So in the best times, I would go 5-7 miles, then 10-16 miles and then back to 5-7 miles again. Sometimes I would go farther and sometimes I would do shorter runs but anything less than 4 miles wasn't worth suiting up for. I kept this up for about ten years and my distances kept increasing and my adventures were increasingly challenging.

A few years ago, I injured my back. It has been a struggle because I feel like something precious has been taken from me. I still run, but anything over 5-6 miles is problematic because I have limited feeling in my right leg and I start to to stumble. I usually run about 4 miles. I am hoping that someday I will fully recover, but in the meantime I don't plan on giving up. Chronic pain is a horrible thing, but when you allow the pain to dictate your activities and ruin your life, you relinquish that which is most valuable to you.

Numerous people have come up to me and thanked me for being an inspiration because they see me out running in all kinds of conditions. I am honored to be that inspiration and I am honored to have been part of what has given them the motivation to be more active in their lives and to choose a healthy lifestyle. I don't do this for the attention or to be some kind of hero though. I have discovered that sustained physical activity provides me with health - physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I have come to the point where most of my inspiring thoughts come to me while I am running or during other physically demanding activities.

So, for my friends who for some reason feel like I am a source of inspiration, my advice is to start... and never give up. You don't have go to out and run a marathon, but there are other physical activities you can do to take care of your body and mind. If you think maybe you are too old or too far gone, maybe you're wrong. I was wrong. In my 40s, I thought I could never get that back again, but within a few months of sweat, pain and blisters, I was running distances I never believed I could ever do again. I was back on my bicycle again too! Any day that I am reluctant to go out because I don't feel like it or the weather is not ideal, I always think about how much better I feel after I come home. For someone who is physically fit, that's the way it is though. Your physical exercise IS your medicine.

My Responsibility to Produce Quality Music

In my quest for producing quality and enduring products, this intent extends to my creation of music as well. At one point in my life, was almost willing to "sell out" and succumb to writing dumbed down versions of music for the sake of popularity and fortune. I just couldn't go there though. 

As a deep thinker, I just can't make myself write mindless music, the type that I find annoying to listen to. I won't contribute to the static when there is such a broader and deeper world to explore. 

I may sacrifice potential popularity with my writings, but I am positive there are other like-minded people who enjoy music with deeper meaning that is relevant to their thought processes. 

I want to leave a legacy that reflects authenticity, originality, growth and expansion of mind and spirit, not copycat inane lyrics and musical content that is created for the sole purpose of cranking out hits. I refuse to be a product that is manufactured for consumption by a masses who have been conditioned to have a short attention span. 

My music will likely never be among the hits, but I have come to recognize that being a hitmaker isn't necessarily what I want to do, if I have to conform to hit-making conventions that ruin the music and remove any semblance of a meaningful, coherent message. 

That being said... I have songs that have a very simple message and some of them are even humorous or just plain silly. Other songs that I have written are more complex and contain messages that are often poignant, perhaps even a bit disturbing for some people (because they deal with some dark subject matter). I feel the important part about songwriting (or writing in general) is that a writer writes... a writer digs deep into his/her soul and puts it into an indelible, tangible form. Some songs or other writings may never be released publicly and may only be for the benefit of the writer or a specific audience. That... that is what writing is all about. That is what writing means to me.

Validation

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately and trying to apply it to my own life to make me a better person - and to be honest with myself: the need for validation. We all want to feel valued and feel that the decisions we are making are right. We all want to believe we are knowledgeable, intelligent, beautiful, beloved, skilled, accomplished, and so forth. It appears that now, more than ever, there are those who are going to tell us exactly what we are wanting to hear... to give us validation for doing what we are doing (or even not doing anything at all) and everything is perfectly acceptable and everything we do is worthy of recognition - as long as it is accompanied by tangible proof, some sort of certification or approval by an "authority" on the matter.

The concerns I have in this are:

1) We seek validation, even if it isn't truly honest and our egos are boosted by false benchmarks or overinflated measures. The harm this does is that anyone who buys into false or overinflated validation may feel comfortable with mediocrity and this leads to apathy... or actually worse, because when one's self-image is bolstered by fabrications and fantasy, that person no longer feels the need for self-improvement and thereby languishes in regressive thoughts and behaviors. For instance, if someone is told, "you're good enough" often enough, why go through the pain, discomfort or inconvenience of trying harder? I have seen how social media can be a major crutch for those who suffer from a low self-esteem. Rather than getting out and busting hump to try to make a difference personally or in the community, a social media subscriber can simply fish for compliments... and get them. Sometimes, people go to great extremes to try to get validation, even to the point where they could have actually spent the time and effort to accomplish something worthy of praise, rather than just seeking undeserved praise or reassurance.

2) On the flip-side of this, some of us may feel like our efforts are wasted unless we actually get a tangible award or some other kind of proof of an accomplishment. This mentality leads to frustration and makes us believe that unless we have the proper credentials, we are not worthy to bear a particular title... we don't have the bragging rights. I see this with over-competitive people or narcissists wishing to use their credentials as a means to substantiate whatever position they are trying to prove. Once again, the end result could be overconfidence and the feeling of not needing to keep learning or trying harder. For others, it could lead to an endless pursuit of tangible rewards for accomplishments... and endless frustration at never being good enough. So, such a mentality could make a person either feel overqualified or under-qualified for a particular job or situation at hand. The reality is that you can either do the job or not. If you don't have training or experience in a specific field, you are unqualified. The regrettable outcome of this is that with such credentialing, we become divisive. We set up a system wherein there are classes and sub-classes in our society and this gives undeserved power to those with such credentials, even if they are totally unqualified to be in such a position and those who lack tangible awards from an "authorized" source are passed over, scorned and ignored - even though they may be the best qualified to deal with the particular problem at hand.

In making these statements, I would suggest approaching this subject with caution. Are credentials important? Absolutely... if (and only if) they are obtained honestly and through the appropriate efforts. Do we need credentials? Well, it all depends upon what you're doing. If you are a career professional where such credentials are necessary (such as anything dealing with medicine, law or any other field where certifications are crucial), but there are many instances where such credentials are not necessary and I would contend that in some cases a formal "education" could get in the way of progress or kill a creative individual's passion altogether. It is entirely possible for a student to acquire their knowledge and skills independent of any formal academic setting... and to become an expert in their field. We all should acknowledge that people can be "educated" or "experts" without even possessing tangible proof (such as a diploma or certification) and it's time for us to also acknowledge that just because a person possess a document stating they have paid their tuition and passed the necessary qualifiers, they are necessarily experts in that field... or any other field.

This may sound cliché, but "the proof is in the pudding. If you've got it, you've got it. If you don't, you don't... and no amount of validation is going to change anything.  

Privilege

One of the terms I've seen thrown around a lot lately is "privilege" - usually directed at someone else because one is feeling disadvantaged. Let me just cut to the chase and spell it out for those who don't want to read the entirety of this post. We are ALL privileged in some ways and we are ALL disadvantaged in other ways - or should I say, it's pretty safe to say that everyone who has the opportunity to be here... on Facebook, is most likely enjoying privilege that is unavailable to many who truly don't enjoy such luxuries.

Envy is what blinds us to our own privilege and compels us to want something we don't have or can't obtain, even though we have access to privileges of those whom we envy.

We may be inclined to point the finger of scorn or derision to those who (according to a flawed belief system set up by certain sectors of society) are automatically "privileged" simply due to the amount of melanin in their skin or because of their chromosomal makeup at birth. This falsehood not only delegitimizes those who truly ARE disadvantaged, but it also serves as an excuse or limiter to those who claim that others possess privilege. In other words, if you are one who claims that you can't get ahead because others are privileged, you are doing yourself a disservice by sabotaging your own potential.

For those who are still unconvinced and afflicted with ingratitude, let me name a few privileges that most (if not all) of us enjoy in a first-world country.

1) Running water. Clean running water that comes out of a tap... that we don't have to think about and we can drink without getting deathly ill. There are reputable reports that claim that only about half the world's population has access to sanitation and clean drinking water. If you have access to clean water (even if you have to buy bottled water) consider yourself privileged. If you have access to hot running water, you are even more privileged.

2) Adequate heating and/or air conditioning. I know there are a lot of people who need to turn the thermostat down in the winter to cut heating costs or who have to endure warmer rooms in their homes, workplace or places, shopping centers, places of worship, etc... however, there are many people in this world who do not enjoy such luxuries. For them, it is a matter of trying to keep from freezing to death or succumbing to heat exhaustion. If your home is heated or cooled, no matter how, enjoy your privilege.

3) Food. North America (particularly the United States) has a very real obesity problem. This affliction does not come from the lack of food... or starvation, as some who are truly disadvantaged have to endure or die from. We have such surpluses of food in our country that food gets wasted and thrown away in dumpsters. Some communities have food banks where surplus or donated food gets distributed to those in need. We also have programs in each state to help take care of our needy - whether those are government sponsored or by generous donations. I'm going to be frank and say that many of our problems where we *think* we are "starving" are caused by our own mismanagement of resources. If you have money to spend on exotic coffee, tobacco/vape, alcohol, street drugs (to include cannabis), entertainment (including TV and Internet subscriptions), tattoos/piercings, hair/cosmetic services and products, smart phone(s), and so forth and so on... then you can afford to go shopping for food. You may not have money for steak and seafood every meal, but guess what... you may have to buy a bag of beans and a loaf of bread from a bakery thrift store. Very few people in the U.S. and Canada ever experience starvation or malnutrition that is not a result of poor diet choices.

4) Access to medical care. There has been much debate, anxiety and even alarmism directed to this issue recently, but in reality, if you are genuinely sick or injured and you show up at ANY hospital or clinic that is open to the public in just about ANY sizable city, you will be treated. Nobody's going to leave you lying on the side of the road or kick you out of the emergency room and left to die because you don't have insurance coverage. Sure, you will get a bill (because SOMEBODY has to pay for exorbitant medical coverage typical in America), but you're not going to be turned away because you can't afford to pay for it at the time. This is one of your privileges.

5) Employment. Sure, you will most likely have to start out at the bottom (fast food... retail... manufacturing... manual labor) with a dead-end, minimum-wage job, but there are many, many places that are hiring right now. Unless you've already burned your bridges by dropping out (or getting expelled) from school, or by abusing drugs or committing other crimes, or with poor work ethic/attitude... you're a good candidate for one of these jobs. If you have a verifiable disability that prevents you from being employed, there are alternative means of income in this country and many other first-world countries. Even if you have to make your own job, it is not impossible or improbable to do so. One of my first jobs took a bit of startup (an old pickup truck, a lawn mower and trimmer) and it kept me busily employed. Yep, it was hard work, but where there is demand, there is work. Many people are also eligible for military service or other government jobs as well. If you are eligible due to your own circumstances (you have stayed in school and kept yourself out of trouble) consider yourself privileged at the multitudes of opportunities ahead of you.

6) Education. In no state or province that I am aware of has any person of any race, gender or ethnicity ever been denied an elementary education. Take advantage of your privilege and do the best you can. Don't be a slacker (like I was) or a troublemaker and exclude yourself from opportunities like college admissions, scholarships and so forth. Your educational privilege is contingent entirely upon your own merits. When it comes to secondary education, there are scholarships and other educational opportunities for many demographics... many of which I am not privileged to take advantage of. Those are your privileges... use them!

7) Liberty. If you can't see this - being a citizen of a country where you enjoy those privileges - you need to re-evaluate your status in the world. There are some countries that prohibit citizens from speaking, protesting or otherwise redressing the government. There are many people throughout the world who are enslaved... literally. If you complain about slavery or involuntary servitude, and you are not directly affected, all you are doing is drawing attention away from REAL slavery and human trafficking. Stop it! Human trafficking, forced labor (or being compelled to work in ACTUAL deplorable conditions), forced prostitution and the like are VERY REAL and this is a worldwide problem... even in America. If you are working somewhere and you have the option to quit your job AND if you are receiving a paycheck as allowed by law, you are not a slave and you are not working against your will. If at any time you ARE a victim of human trafficking, you can nonetheless escape by calling law enforcement and you will be freed and your captors brought to justice. You have that privilege. Slavery doesn't exist legally.

8) Entertainment/recreation. I added this to the list because this is one of those things that is often overlooked. Most (if not all) of use have opportunities to enjoy life in some way through escapism. We can watch TV, go to a public park or other facility... even to the library. Those public services are provided for all of us. Those who complain there is "nothing to do" need to just step outside and go do... do something. Take advantage of your privilege.

I know I haven't listed everything. I'm sure that there are many things I have left off of this list, but I hope you get the idea. Bottom line - if you feel like you are lacking in privilege, go out and discover your privilege. If you feel you are disadvantaged, overcome that disadvantage. If you are still envious of someone else's "privilege" - get over it! It's not going to do you, or society in general, any good to go around with a chip on your shoulder about how you have been dealt a poor hand. I personally have had to learn gratitude and acknowledge my privilege not by comparing myself to others, but by experiencing hardships and disadvantage in many circumstances. I've lived without running water, adequate shelter and many of the other necessities of life and have had to do some extremely difficult things in order to provide for myself and my family, so I am acutely aware of the privileges I have - the same privileges that MOST citizens of first world countries enjoy, yet do so with ingratitude and without acknowledgement.

(This blog was originally posted to my Facebook page)

Do Animals and Children Have Inherent Intuition?

I want to address something that I have a concern about because I’ve seen some recent memes and headlines about how animals (particularly dogs) have some kind of intuition about “evil” people and I saw a headline the other day about how children have that same “instinct” that somehow adults are not capable of.

Let me just bluntly state that such theories are nonsense. I’m not sure where that myth originated from, but I can safely assert that whatever the indicators are, these are similar to the criteria that were used to convict innocent people in the 17^th century Salem witch trials. Let’s lay these myths to rest before innocent people are wrongly accused of being “evil” or perhaps worse, to lay our trust in a dog or a child who is friendly toward a person with malicious intent.

Let’s take a step back and rationally think about things for a few minutes – starting with the pets. Pets and livestock have their reasons for being afraid of a particular human. They are their reasons and have nothing to do with whether a person is good or evil or has good or evil intentions. Based upon my own experiences, there are dogs that really love me and there are some that want to tear me apart. They are not necessarily bad dogs, but they are simply doing what dogs do. Besides my own personal experiences with animals, I have researched and found information from reputable pet experts to back up my claims. We don’t always understand why dogs bark, growl or run away from certain people but are friendly toward others. It may be a scent or biases based upon the way a person looks. Dogs have prejudices the same as people. You may think your dog is special, but honestly it’s not. Dogs are creatures of instinct and (as all animals) they do possess unique personalities and that’s why one animal will behave differently than another, despite any training from humans. We had a dog once that would go into a barking frenzy whenever one of our friends came over. It may have been because he had a beard or because he looked like somebody that abused her, but the guy was definitely not a bad guy. The dog also hated gloves for some reason and would tear them up if we left them outside. Personality quirks. I’ve also seen dogs that were friendly… even loyal to known felons. It’s not intuition that drives their behavior. It is instinct, personality and conditioning.

The same principle applies to children. This is the main reason why as parents we don’t allow children to make all their own decisions. If we let them act on their “intuition” they could end up in serious, even deadly circumstances. I have raised and taught many children in my life and each one of them has their reasons for feeling uncomfortable around a person. Just as with pets, maybe it has something to do with how a person looks, smells or something in their voice. I can even remember being a child and there were adults who I was afraid of, but I couldn’t explain why. They weren’t bad people though. I also did not possess the wisdom (or “intuition”) to determine whether a person was bad, simply by a “gut feeling” or some kind of supernatural instinct that supposedly children have but adults don’t. In retrospect, there were actual bad people I knew and never even had a clue as a child. My parents would warn me to stay away from certain people because they were pedophiles or those who had committed violent crimes, though they didn’t explain the nature of their wrongdoing in my early years. Children (like adults) use logical reasoning to base their decisions. Their logic may be completely illogical to adults. They may determine that a man is really nice because he gives them candy (and I know of several instances such as this). I’m not saying that all adults that give out candy to children have malicious intent, but children can’t always determine the difference and this is why we warn children not to accept candy from adults unless they are in the presence of a parent or other trusted adult. Contrarily, there are many children who think an adult is “evil” because they are strict or because they don’t give them things they want or because they are not smiling. I’ve experienced many instances like this as well. Even infants are subject to such conditioning. I remember several teachers I thought were “evil” because of such reasoning.

I think it’s time to lay some of these myths to rest and start using adult reasoning as a judge of a person’s character and not rely on “supernatural” criteria from pets or children. As far as having a “vibe” or “intuition” or a “gut feeling” about a person’s character, use your own instincts. What are those vibes telling you? A child or pet is no more privy to possessing special powers of discernment that any adult can have. Something else to think about is the vibes that we give off to our children and pets, which are sensitive to nonverbal cues and unease. Oftentimes, we are the ones that create these vibes that, in turn, transfer to our pets or children.

I’m not going to reference any studies about this, but rest assured that the evidence overwhelmingly supports what I have written. Just do a simple Google search if you’re not convinced. Finally, stop relying on memes, unattributed quotes or theories that are not backed by credible evidence as a basis for your beliefs.

Anxiety Over Selling Online

There are some things that make me anxious about selling things on eBay:

1) Having to make custom packing materials. I have shipped some odd-sized and shaped items and some of them don't fit into standard boxes. Today I had to make a box for a fly fishing rod because no standard mailing tubes or boxes exist. Once, I was sending a vintage, cast-iron motor that was very heavy and I wanted it to arrive unscathed. I spent about an hour building a mounting plate and crate (slicing my hand open in the process) to send it in, but apparently that wasn't safe enough for USPS because some doofus probably dropped it and the buyer sent pictures of the broken item. My heart sank, knowing that this item was irreparably damaged, disappointing the buyer. He paid a lot of money for it, but was willing to accept a discount due to damages incurred in shipping. Do USPS employees care? Nope. So that leads to the second thing I get anxious about:

2) Damages or loss in shipment. I don't send international anymore because I've had such problems when sending internationally. Sometimes it just takes a long time to get there, but other times things just disappear or arrive broken. I had a buyer from Argentina complain that his item hadn't arrived... it was six months after I had sent it. Had it been within a few weeks, maybe we could have made an insurance claim, but after 90 days, the seller is under no obligation. So many hassles with international shipping make it not even worth offering to sell overseas. Most of my rudest, impatient and dishonest buyers were from foreign countries. On the other hand, some of the most pleasant transactions and highest bidders were from foreign countries, so it's a risk... a risk that I don't care to take anymore. Which leads me to another thing...

3) Getting burned by shipping charges. I usually do a good job researching what it will cost to ship an item, but even with all the time I spend, sometimes there are surprises when I go to the post office or UPS, because of hidden charges, unforeseen stipulations or drastic price increases since the time I shipped before. You have to keep up on those things. Many items are not even worth shipping. If you are trying to sell high-volume, low price, forget about it. You might as well just give your merchandise away... and you'd be better off in the long run. Shipping is unreasonably priced and has skyrocketed in recent years. Who wants to spend $7.15 postage on an item that is worth less than five bucks?

4) Letting go. There are some items that are difficult to sell because I just have a hard time letting go of valuable and useful items. Even though I usually sell online because I have surplus or I no longer need the item (or never needed it in the first place), there is that annoying inner voice that says: "But you might need this someday!" I have to take a step back, breathe in and let it out. I then respond to that voice: "If I saw that item at a garage sale or thrift shop, would I pay the same price for it that I am selling it for now?" If the answer is no, then I can let go much easier and never lose any sleep over it. Several years ago when I was preparing to go to school, I sold several items that I now regret selling, so I have to look into the future too, and that's probably where that anxiety comes from.

5) The format that eBay uses for selling constantly evolves... and I don't think I like the newer format. In their attempts to try to make it easier to sell things, they set up defaults (that probably very few people want to use) that you have to change so that you can sell the item the way you want to. Sometimes those defaults are persistent and it is frustrating and time-consuming to set up your auction the way you intended, rather than the way eBay thinks you want it. Long story short: eBay used to be easier... for me anyway.

6) Fees. Even though you sell something for a price that you want to get, doesn't mean that you get that much. There are eBay fees and PayPal fees that eat into your profits. As an easy rule of thumb, count on kissing about 20% of your profits goodbye. There are charts that you can refer to and it's a little complex (because some things have higher fees and there is a sliding scale for final value, etc.) but suffice it to say that you are safe to assume that the accrued fees are about 20%.

7) It's time consuming. In order to get the highest price for your item, you need to be competitive - which means that you have to take sharp pictures of every angle and include defects. You need to write accurate descriptions of your item and be competitive on your pricing. If someone else is selling an item for $5.00, you should sell your item for $4.89 because most buyers will go with the lowest cost, provided that you have positive feedback - and in order to keep that feedback rating high, you need to write accurate descriptions and give the buyers the benefit of the doubt whenever there is a dispute. I take pride in my 100% rating, so I have had to make accommodations at times to keep the buyers happy.

Another thing that takes a lot of time is research. I specialize in selling electronics, tech and sporting goods. Sometimes I get items that I don't know the value of or I don't know much about but I need to add a description. This can be exhausting at times.

Despite the anxiety, there are rewards in the long run. The easy transactions and the high-value items make up for those that are a pain. You can get a little extra money in your wallet to get the things you want, while getting rid of things you don't need.