Education - What's In It For Me?

I just read an article about the worst paying college majors.  It was interesting and informative.  Some of them are degrees that my family members have gotten or are contemplating getting.  This is rather depressing.  While there are other factors affecting employment besides the degree itself, the numbers are a fair representation of what is going on.  Hold this thought because I want to go launch into something that I have been thinking a lot about lately because higher education has been on my mind due to my own career interests.  I will get back to interpreting (in part) this article.

Let me start out by asserting that we are getting education all wrong... doing things for the wrong reasons entirely.  In recent decades, getting an education has been all about procuring a fancy slip of paper that proves that we attended an educational institution, thus meeting all their requirements to earn that degree.  The degree itself is a commodity.  For some, the value of what is learned or how it was accomplished is immaterial.  For all anybody could be concerned or care, you could have cheated your entire way through school and still have procured that slip of paper.  In other words, the content wasn't as important as the credentials written on the paper and the accompanying transcripts: GPA, school attended and name of degree.  Human Resource departments tend to cue in on those things.

A time or two in my life, I have encountered a person who was bragging about his or her degree and I asked an uncomfortable question: "What did you learn?"  I don't ask this question anymore thought.  I just talk with them for awhile... pick their brains.  Sometimes people actually do come away from their college with valuable skills and useful information.  Sometimes, however, they simply get a degree.

Now, before I get accused of loathing education or being uneducated, I must explain that I absolutely love learning.  I love being in a classroom and I have a stack of certificates, diplomas, whatever that prove I sat in a classroom or spent my time and money filling in the blanks to earn those certificates.  I have more classroom time and credits than the average bachelor's degree holder.  What do I say to that?  Big deal!  After all those classroom hours, I can say with a high degree of confidence that I have learned more outside the classroom than I have in a formal learning environment.  The reason for this is not because the institution is in any way flawed, but because of my burning desire to learn.  I have forgotten a great deal of what I have learned in formal school settings, but what I have retained are things that I have found to be relevant and useful... especially in everyday life.

At this point, you might be wondering what the heck I am getting at.  Thanks for wondering.  Let me explain.  See, the educational vehicle is flawed.  The manner that we acquire our education is not very efficient.  I like to refer to this as the "Costco Principle."  Costco sells in bulk and they are very effective at what they do: selling products.  Just as universities are very good at what they do: selling products (or degrees).  They sell a product as they would a commodity.  They don't build careers or help you carve out a useful niche for you.  They simply sell you a bill of goods.  You will notice that when you go to Costco, they provide you with a list of products that they want to sell you.  You have the choice to either buy them at their discounted rate, or do without.  You have a very limited amount of options.  Here's the kicker (and how they are able to sell products that you wouldn't necessarily have boughten otherwise): it's in the product bundling.  Say I want to buy Pringles in bulk.  They have two popular varieties in the package and one less popular variety.  In order to get the discounted rate, you have to buy the whole package.  You have to tolerate and either eat the kind that is less popular or get rid of it.  That is the same principle behind a university education.  Educators will sell you on the idea that you are becoming a more well-rounded student by taking an art history or English literature class, but that is not the real agenda.  Most students will loathe these classes that are required for the sake of the degree, but will get through them by meeting the minimum requirements to get their desired grade.  If the class were optional, very few students would attend the class.  This is how it solely benefits the institution (or the staff in that institution).  In order for a university to be accredited, they have to provide a wide variety of classes - even those that are less popular or relevant to getting a job in the 21st century.  They will further try to sell you on the idea by instilling concepts like "critical thinking" and "being well adjusted" and other nonsense.  Critical thinking has nothing to do with being forced to take classes you wouldn't have otherwise chosen, and most students will gain very little out of these classes besides a few credits to work toward their ultimate goal - a degree.  A majority of these students will do brain flush at the end of the class, never to revisit those subjects again.  The class was simply having to endure an unpleasant episode of their scholastic experience: a traumatic event - which will be blocked from their memory.

Why on earth would we possibly have to take classes that have little or no academic or career value then?  The answer is simple, but it takes a little explaining.  In order for the educational institution to be accredited, it is necessary to provide these classes that have little or no relevance to any degree in question.  It is a self-serving venture.  If such classes were not compulsory, then voluntary attendance would be low and either: a) the professors would get less pay or b) the classes would cease to exist due to lack of interest, which would mean that a university or community college would lose their accreditation.  The reason (which wanders into the arena of speculation on my part) why those requirements for accreditation exist in the first place is to benefit the world of academia, or simply put it provides jobs for those who have gotten degrees from that were essentially worthless in the corporate world.  Who else would hire an Art History major, except for maybe a museum?  How many museums are there?  Exactly.  So in order to justify the need for the class or the degree, it becomes mandatory to include in your degree a choice of electives that have little or no relevance to your degree or anything practical in the world outside the realms of academia.

So that brings me back to my thoughts on the article about the worst paying degrees.  What can be done to even the playing field?  What can be done to make these degrees more attractive to employers?  Finally, why don't universities apprise students at the onset about their lack of employability and low wages once they graduate?  This goes back to the fact that schools aren't selling jobs or careers, but they are selling their product: a degree.  I have a solution to this problem and this directly correlates to a school that I am gearing up to attend.  They don't simply churn out graduates and leave them out in the cold upon gradation - with a load of student loans to pay off.  There are schools out there that actually sell careers.  Why?  Because their success rate is dependent upon the results of their students.   Many HR reps blindly hire based upon university ranking or reputation (say if the school is what is considered an "Ivy League" school).  These schools rely on the factor that it is difficult just to get into the school, so they only take the best of the best anyway.  So just having "Harvard" under your name is a shoo-in for many employers.  No thought is taken for performance, achievements or accomplishments or abilities other than academic honors.  In my opinion, this is a risky and dangerous endeavor for an employer.  On the other hand, as an employer, wouldn't you rather have a person come to you that is already highly proficient in a subject with well-honed, marketable skills?  The other thing that I was attracted to was the way a degree is earned.  There isn't a plethora of unnecessary or irrelevant classes that the student is required to attend.  It is most efficient in that way.  The student is not spending time and money on classes that have little or nothing to do with his or her career, yet is still able to walk away with a university degree!

I believe that what we're seeing in establishments of secondary education is the influence of the homeschool community.  If administered properly, homeschool is very efficient and students learn much more and retain much more than students in conventional public school.  Why do I think that is so?  Many homeschool teachers (mostly parents) understand that the vehicle of education has become flawed because educators try to squeeze in so much extraneous fluff and inject an ulterior agenda into what could have been a well-rounded and meaningful education consisting of core curricula.  Successful homeschoolers understand that core curriculum is the key to education, but it is taught in a way that makes "real-world" sense.  For instance, we're not just thrown a bunch of meaningless numbers and statistics to work with for math, but given projects that are manifold in purpose - say, an engineering project like building a structure.  You would have to learn math, economics, environmental science, English and fabrication skills in the process from end to finish.  You might even end up learning about the history of architecture as a bonus.

In my adult lifetime, I have seen an obvious transformation in the academic community.  Little more than 30 years ago, homeschool was unheard of and likely not practiced as a primary source of education.  Now, it is widely practiced and accepted and many colleges and even universities are seeing the quality of students that are emerging from the homeschooling community.  The advent of the Internet is another indispensable resource.  It can be used for more than just copy/pasting/cheating that happens ever so often in public school settings.  Information is literally free of charge in many cases and you can virtually get a quality education solely from articles, essays and online tutorials.  The free exchange of information is fueled by advertising giants that pay a pittance for the hard work of individuals that freely post their knowledge online.  Never forget the value of books (I mean tangible, paper, heavy types that you check out from the library or buy at Barnes and Noble).  We live in an age where we can learn almost anything and everything without ever having to invest a dime in a formal education or have to be accepted into a favored elite institution.

That being said, I still like the environment of a formal classroom.  There are many reasons why I prefer this setting.  First, many people when choosing a career of choice do not have a clue where to start or what to look for - where to concentrate their learning.  Secondly, in many schools you get hands on training with industry-standard equipment and facilities that can only be available in a university setting.  An individual simply cannot afford the facilities and equipment required to get this necessary tangible experience.  Finally, there is more to a public classroom setting than just lectures, books, facilities and equipment.  The interaction between students and instructors and between peer students (and subsequent networking) is invaluable in building a successful career.  You can learn a lot online, but you often do it alone.  You are this lone genius sitting in your home with ideas, plans and dreams... but with nowhere to go.  That is where I have been for the past several years.  I have learned a lot and have dreams and plans and million-dollar ideas, but it's always the same... crickets chirping.

So when you go to school, think about a couple of things: 1) Where do you want your education to take you?  What do you want to get out of it?  Forget about filling in the blanks to simply get that degree... think about your ultimate goal for what you want to accomplish in your career and focus on the things that will get you there.  If a university education is what will do it, go for it!  2) Will you love your chosen career or are you doing it simply for the love of money?  Job satisfaction is a major benefit that outweighs monetary compensation.  Sure, you should look at something where you will be able to support yourself and your family, so rule out things that would not be marketable, yet keep those in mind for a serious hobby.  Somewhere along the line you either have to learn what you love and follow that dream or you have to learn to love what you do no matter what it is - otherwise you live a life of misery and disillusionment.

Sadly, I will admit that most of my career options so far have not brought me much satisfaction.  I have blindly chosen many options that have not only led to dissatisfaction, but were not very marketable skills.  Part of this has been due to the changing climate of technology.  The things that applied when I was first starting my education are mostly obsolete by now.  That brings up a  third thing that I will only touch on: be prepared for a lifetime of learning and reinventing your career.  I am excited about this next phase of my life and the education that I am pursuing.  I am confident that I will not only learn this field with a greater depth than I would have had I started right out of high school, but I will also bring a lot into the industry with the experience that I have gained throughout my life as well as the numerous hours that I have already spent in formal classrooms and with informal training.  My advice to anyone is to never let an opportunity for learning pass you by.  So here I go with the next few years of intense training and learning.  I'm going to love it!

Addendum:  I just wanted to come back and conclude with this idea:  Whatever venture you pursue - whether it be your career or education, do it with vigor and enthusiasm.  Get the most out of your education and it will reward you exponentially.  I have learned this by experience.  In other words, when I have not put any effort towards a job or education and have gotten very little out of it, but in some other things I have put my whole heart and soul into it and the rewards have been astronomical.

Ripe Bananas

I've seen people throw bananas out when they start getting brown spots on them.  Now, I don't know if they think the bananas are spoiled or will make them sick or what, but let me just say that fruit with high sugar content is rarely ever a cause of food poisoning.  If you are throwing out bananas with spots on them, you are missing out.  This is when bananas taste their best!  They are the sweetest they will ever be at this stage.  You don't have much time though because they will rapidly deteriorate after this and will start to become mushy and brown inside.  Even if you were to eat a slightly brown and mushy banana, it wouldn't hurt you.  You have to let you nose be your guide.  If it smells fermented, well it's probably too far gone.  I think some people get weirded out by foods that seem like they are spoiled - maybe it's past pull-date or it looks funny. That's not always necessarily an indicator of edibility.  The foods you have to watch out for the most are those with proteins in them (beans, for example) and meats that can have a whole host of bacteria in them... and many times you wouldn't even know if the harmful bacteria were there because there are no visual indicators and you may not be able to smell anything unusual.  But fruits, in general, are safe up until they start to get soft, leaking fluids and smell fermented.  Bananas with spots?  They're in their prime. Don't throw them out - they are the best!  

The Hornets Nest Analogy

I've learned a few things by casually observing nature.  What I find astounding is that over and over again, patterns in the plant and animal world are witnessed even in our highly-sophisticated human society.

yellow jacket's nest on a transformer

When a rock is thrown into a hornets nest, the hornets angrily swarm, randomly stinging anything that moves… interpreting any passersby as hostile and directing all of the defenses and their punishment against that which they deem culpable.  Hornets are creatures of habit (or instinct) and demonstrate very little in the way of adaptation to their environment and are thereby predictable – and anyone knowing the instinctive habits of hornets will know how to inflict significant damage on a nest and escape without injury, leaving open the possibility of injury to others who have had little or no involvement with the hornets.  Humans, however, have the capacity of virtually infinite adaptability.  We are capable of doing much more than swarming and randomly lashing out at anyone and anything that appears fearful, dangerous and culpable, but rather can use our experiences to our advantage and learn from our mistakes, to fortify or evade or even prevent future catastrophes.  We have not only become smarter, but we also have technology on our side.  We have the capability to work together to identify genuine threats and to adequately protect ourselves against them.

“Swarm” mentality is the antithesis of efficiency that not only results in the loss of precious resources and life, but also has the effect of apprising even a mediocre adversary of your capabilities as well as establishing a reputation of spontaneous hostility and aggression.  One other aspect to note is that while immense energy and fervor is initially expended in “swarming” efforts, the mass hysteria is short-lived and the residents of the communal hive rapidly revert to their baseline level of complacency and false sense of security, while the perpetrators who have laid plans to destroy the nest become more astute, using not only their previous weapons, but having evolved in their wisdom – using patience and cunning as their most powerful assets.  The ultimate key then, is to deliberately evolve to a level beyond your adversaries, using more advanced tools, skills and even weapons (where necessary) that transcend those that wish to take advantage of your position and seek to destroy you – to have the ability to confound and diminish their strength – as opposed to fueling their efforts with instinctive actions that are based purely upon instinctive passions of fear or anger (example: fight-or-flight instincts).

Another interesting couple of weeks...

Rarely a day goes by where something "exciting" doesn't happen in my life.  It's all kind of a blur to me now, but it's been an interesting past couple of weeks or so.  Julie (my wife) wanted to go on a road trip, so I was perfectly fine with holding down the fort for a two weeks.  I mean, what could go wrong that I couldn't handle?  It was a minor change to my routine... I just "man-up" and deal with whatever life throws at me.  Right... I shouldn't have thought that.

The first day (a Monday) that Julie was gone, I woke up in a stupor.  Now, you have to understand that I typically don't do mornings.  This was a new thing to me.  It had been literally years since I had experienced a sunrise - so this seemed like a whole new experience for me.  A typical morning around my house is crazy.  The kids need to get up for Seminary (a before-school scripture study class held at our church) and then somebody has to wait around for them until it is done and then drive them to school.  Well... that was not a typical morning.  My daughter (Bethany) was scheduled to work that morning and I had to take her.  As I was fumbling with my things, trying to get ready to go, I dropped my phone on the floor.  No big deal... this phone has hit the ground before a few times and survived much worse.  This time, the phone didn't survive.  This was certainly BAD timing to be without a phone. 

As luck would have it, I had another phone that I bought at a yard sale for a dollar.  I just didn't have it in my possession at the time.  I had let somebody borrow it.  One thing to understand at this point, is that Julie has the smaller vehicle... our minivan.  My vehicle to use is a full-size 15-passenger van... basically a bus.  Needless to say, this beast is NOT a pleasure to drive around.  In the process of driving around trying to get my backup phone back, my broken phone rings.  I go to pick it up... nothing.  I close it and it rings again... nothing.  It's certainly messed up.  I get a text... and another...  I can't read these texts.  What if it is Julie?  Has something happened???  Through a convoluted process, I was able to get my phone back and transferred everything over.  No sweat - problem solved. 

The "Drakemobile" spews out a cloud of steam

Day 2: The head gasket blows on the Drakemobile.  It was actually kind of comical, in a way, to be driving down the road with this huge cloud of steam billowing out of the tailpipe.  Now I understand why those people were honking at me yesterday.  It's not the end of the world... we've got choices - not necessarily the best to choose from, but nonetheless there ARE choices.  

The BUTT - Butt Ugly Teal Truck

Vehicle #3 - the BUTT.  This pickup truck was nicknamed thus by its former owners.  I am not sure exactly what the acronym stands for, but it is something like "Big Ugly Truck" or "Butt Ugly Truck" though I am not sure what the extra "T" in it is for... so my rendition of this is "Butt Ugly Teal Truck."  It is sort of a teal color... mostly rust though.  Now, the Drakemobile was a pain to drive.  This is 10-times worse.  Not only is it an old 4-wheel-drive beast with a standard transmission, but the thing stinks like a combination of old burning motor oil, coolant, dust, decaying upholstery and rat turds.  The doors require the force of a Bubba to get them to close properly, so they never close properly... rattling at every bump (and you DO feel every bump with this thing).  I don't really trust the BUTT.  Every time I turn the key (if it is one of the times that the tumbler doesn't fall out) I am hopeful that it will start... and stay running.  And every time, recently, it has started for me.  So, each successful engine start is a victory and deep inside I am rejoicing.  This pickup truck (whose sole purpose is to haul trash, firewood and landscaping supplies) has become my main staple - but hey... at least I still have a running vehicle.  Life is good... sort of.

I made almost through the weekend of the first week.  Yesssssssssss!  I made it halfway through!  Halfway through having to rattle kids out of bed every morning and driving that old stinky truck around and trying to sleep on the front seat every morning while the kids were in Seminary.  Halfway through!  I can make it!  

Then the call came.  I was just waking from my afternoon nap after a refreshing and recharging day at church. It was Julie.  It was more than just a call to chat.  It was bad news.  She held together fairly well as she told me the news.  Her father had just passed away.  

I was stunned.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  He was the younger, stronger and healthier of the two.  After I hung up, I wanted to call back and ask if I had heard it right.  It was too sudden... too abrupt.  I knew he had some health problems, but he always pulled through.  What went wrong?  Why this time?  Julie was beside herself.  The two-week road trip became an "indefinite" stay in Florida now.  There were numerous options... all of them causing major disruptions and requiring some serious sacrifices.  I wasn't ready for this.  None of us were.  

The Tuesday after that was a low point in my life.  Not only did I lose a true friend in this life, but I felt like my family life was falling apart.  I just felt numb... disconnected... apathetic.  Not a whole lot got done at home.  Julie wanted me to make a trip down to Florida for the funeral and to encourage the boys to do the same.  Bethany (my 18-year-old daughter) was already packing and heading down there on a plane.  I talked to the boys and none of the three wanted to go.  I didn't fault them.  They couldn't afford to take days off school or work.  Me???  I didn't want to take the trip.  Even though I loved my father-in-law, I just felt uneasy about leaving the boys behind to fend for themselves for almost a week.

Anyway... (to avoid making a novel out of this) I will make a long story short:  With the help of some willing family members and friends, I DID make the plane trip down to Florida - MAN I LOVE IT DOWN THERE!  It was a long trip, but not nearly as long as the trip that Julie took... driving straight through from Boise all the way to Central Florida (with two other drivers).  I think that's a record speed trip for any of us.  The funeral was wonderful with dear friends and family members attending.  It was well worth it!  I made it back the other day and I am finally adjusting back to "normal."  It looks like the "indefinitely" part is only going to be an additional week or two.  I think I can do this!

Every day is another page of my life story

Just thought I would insert a little note here. I have been posting much of my stuff elsewhere (like Facebook and Myspace and even to our local newspaper at times) but I think I will take most of my daily rants and ramblings as well as stories that happen to me and post them here.

I think some of my ideas are quite controversial and may cause quite a stir, especially with the mixed audiences that I have on my other accounts. I just wanted a separate space where I could post whatever is on my mind whethere it be politically charged or fairly benign. I just wanted to be able to exercise my first amendment rights in a place thats fairly low key. I don't mind if people post with differing opinions. Heck, you don't even have to like me. I just ask that you keep profanity and personal attacks - especially those pointed to people in my family or uninvolved friends of mine - to a minimum.

So without further ado...

I just wanted to throw in a few things. First, I just wanted to say that I REALLY like foil dinners. They are simple, yet satisfying and delicious. There are different methods to making one. The way I prefer is to take meat (beef, chicken, ground beef, etc.) maybe marinated in Yoshida's and sprinkled with Johnny's seasoning and chop up some potatoes and carrots, maybe add some other veggies, salt it to taste and wrap it tightly (sealed up) in aluminum foil. You may want to add some onions, parsley, chives or other flavor enhancing produce to the mix. If you are using chicken or other lean meats, you will want to sprinkle a little water on the mix as well. If you have some corn husks, grape leaves or some other non-toxic leaves wrap these around your packet and then put another layer of aluminum foil around that. You can also use some newspaper, preferrably dampened with water, in place of the leaves if you can't find them. Bury this in the coals of the bonfire for about 45 minutes or so, moving it around every so often. Take it out with tongs and be careful not to burn yourself. The outer stuff may be a little scorched... that's to be expected, but sometimes it is just perfect. Oh, don't forget to put pepper in it before you cook it.

Speaking of pepper... I just found out what pepper spray looks like. It is a thick, dark-red stream that shoots out, not spray like windex. This is my preferred non-lethal level of personal defense that I like to carry with me now. It is very effective against attacking dogs. Not only that, I can grab the canister and pull it out, aim and fire within a second or two and hardly miss a step while running. Very convenient and gives me an added level of confidence. People tend to freak out when you confront their dogs with lethal force anyway (and most of the time it is unnecessary). It was necessary to tie a bungee lanyard onto the pepper spray canister to keep it from getting lost. I dropped it a couple of times because the clip has a tendency to come loose. If it weren't for a passing motorcyclist in Birch Bay, I would have lost one. He saw it fall and pointed it out to me. I was fortunate enough to get a good deal on the pepper spray. I showed up at Joe's for their going out of business liquidation sale and got 40% off. I picked up 8 of them.

Ok, so it's been awhile....

I've been notified that I have neglected this blog for a few years. Sorry. I think I've been spreading myself way too thin lately. With getting a new(er) house in and all the other projects and activities I've been working on, I have lost touch with my writings. But.... ghe good news is that I have started writing again and I will post some more stuff on here really soon. Or I'm planning on it anyway. To be frank, I never thought anybody read these anyway. Oh well, I'll do something even if it makes only one person happy.

More soon....

-Dean

Smells fishy to me

Good tartar sauce…

is hard to find, even at some of the finer restaurants I've been to. You get a plate of perfect fish and then you dip it into the side (I always ask for tartar sauce on the side - just in case) of tartar sauce and it ruins the taste of the fish rather than bringing out the flavor. Now, I'm a big fan of fish if you haven't noticed already. But then, it has to be good fish – and good fish deserves good tartar sauce. If you have good fish and lousy tartar sauce, then it would be like putting margarine on fresh Maine lobster… a desecration of sorts. I don't know why lousy tartar sauce exists. Probably for the same reason you can't find decent potato salad or cole slaw in any restaurant or deli in any store on the face of the planet – homemade is the only viable choice. So where do you get good tartar sauce? Well, there are several brands that are fine, but it's kind of a hit and miss situation - just like finding good tartar sauce in a restaurant. The better choice would be to make it yourself. My discovery was a result of running out of the stuff that I bought at the store (which was, incidentally Nalley's, I think). I had just pulled the fish from the deep fryer when I opened the refrigerator to find out that there was only a couple of teaspoonfuls of the stuff left in the jar. They say, "necessity is the mother of invention" so it was time for me to get creative. I have made several variations of tartar sauce and experimented with the ingredients (including actually using cream of tartar, which is not really an ingredient of tartar sauce – so don't ask me why they call it tartar sauce). I looked at the ingredients of the empty jar and saw that the main ingredients are mayonnaise and pickle relish. I tried that and it turned out ok, but it wasn't as good as the stuff in the jar. Alright, this could get into a lengthy dissertation, so I will cut to the quick and go ahead and give you the "secret" ingredients – let's just suffice it to say I tried a lot of stuff before I came up with what I did.

Simple Ingredients:

Mayonnaise – good quality, such as Best Foods or Hellmann's - (depending on which side of the Rocky Mountains you live, or Kraft… possibly Nalley's. Not Miracle whip or "salad dressing" stuff… and none of that low calorie low fat stuff – c'mon, we're puttin' it on deep fried fish, for cryin' out loud!).

Dill pickles – Yeah, dill pickles. Not relish, not sweet pickles nor bread & butter pickles or whatever they are called - just plain dill pickles.

Lemon juice – freshly squeezed is best, but if you don't have any then the stuff in the bottle will work.

That's it… nothing more, nothing less. No onions, no spices, no cream of tartar, no preservatives, no other condiments – just those three simple ingredients – period! (Now, if the restaurants and delis across the nation would just learn to keep things simple then they could make some decent tasting salads and condiments).

Now I don't have the exact measurements, because it's a matter of taste – I mean, it's all just a matter of how much you like pickles. So I will use an approximation and you can adjust to your taste.

Measure out 2 cups of mayonnaise and put it in a jar you can put back in the fridge.

Chop up a couple of dill pickles (I know, they come in different sizes – you have those huge kind you get at the convenience stores in the plastic sacks down to baby dills that are about the size of your thumb and every size in-between). Just get a couple average sized pickles and chop them up. You may use a grater, but you end up with long stringy pieces - not what you expect in tartar sauce. It's best to use one of those choppers that you pound on the top of about 600 times until the pickles are minced to about the consistency of relish - or until your spouse (and/or everyone else you live with) is totally annoyed with you and wants to throw you and your tartar sauce out the door.

Mix the two ingredients together and squeeze half a lemon into your concoction being careful not to let any seeds get into it. Stir the lemon juice in and then that's it. Taste it and adjust ingredients if necessary.

Now you have some great tartar sauce that you won't be afraid to smother your deep fried fish in.

3/28/06 Back at it

Now that I have your attention…

I must explain a few things from my email. I am not literally going to post all my stories on here. I am just going to post one every now and then. My ultimate goal is to consolidate all this stuff together and make some sense out of it so I can put it into a book that I can hopefully get published.

This site is certainly not the only way I can get my stuff out there and just as everything else goes on the Internet, it is here today and may be gone tomorrow. That’s just the way things go. I posted a bunch of my songs on mp3.com and then one day they got bought out and then everything was gone. I’ve had other sites that I trusted that dissolved overnight, so if this is another one of those sites, don’t expect it to last forever.

So, having said (or should I say typed) that, I just want to welcome you to my site and just have fun reading my posts and feel free to post your own feedback (absolutely no profanity please – I’d hate to delete a good post just because of a swear word).

Check back here often to find more stories and comments. I am rather inconsistent, so don’t expect some kind of schedule. Hey, give me a break – these are freebies! If you are on my e-mail list and want stories sent to you personally, make sure and e-mail me to tell me. Otherwise you will just have to come here.

One final thing. This isn’t some secret site. If you like this stuff, please send your friends to this site. If you want to use these stories, make sure to give proper credit to who wrote them (usually me). So bear in mind these are copyrighted. If you want to forward them to your friends, make sure you don’t get carried away. I wouldn’t want to have people mad at me for something you sent them.

-Dean

Here's the story that started it all...

HOW TO CLEAN PLAY-DOH OUT OF A GAME BOY

So, What was Santa thinking when he gave Steven, our 3 year old, a Game Boy AND Play-Doh for Christmas anyway? It was a day or two after the big day when one of the older children brought to me Steven's Game-Boy, saying it didn't work anymore, mentioning that "by the way" he put Play-Doh in the game slot. I looked in there to see the green goop smooshed inside the slot and in the game cartridge. Knowing how much "Santa" paid for the Game-Boy and the cartridge, and how quickly Play-Doh hardens to nearly as hard as a rock, I had to go to work right away trying to clean it out. It wasn't that easy though.

The cartridge slot on the back of a Game Boy is not as accessible to cleaning tools as it is to cartridges or other foreign objects (like Play-Doh), so I took it upon myself to remove the back cover. That was when I was stopped dead in my tracks by 6 "special" screws that probably nobody has a screwdriver for (except for the Nintendo manufacturer in China). The screws have 3 little notches instead of 4, like a Philips screwdriver. It is beyond me why they had to use these screws. What were they thinking? I painstakingly took one of the screws out with the blade of my pocket knife, but that must have been the loose one. None of the others would come out that way. I went out to my grinder and fashioned a "screwdriver" out of a nail. It wasn't an easy task though because I am used to grinding 2 or 4 equal surfaces on something, not 3. It took a few tries before I got it right. I was running out of nail. I finally made something that resembled a screwdriver and was able to carefully twist the remaining 5 screws out of the back of the Game Boy. That was the easy part.

I found the slot where the game cartridge fits in and tried sliding things in there to get the smooshed in Play-Doh. Everything was either too thin, too thick, or had handles that got in the way of the other parts. I stuck a piece of cardboard in there and got some of it out, then there was the stuff that was stuck in between all the tiny "teeth" in that slot. I tried other things: screwdrivers, knives, rolled up toilet paper, nails, wires, etc, etc. Nothing seemed to reach the stuff stuck between those "teeth." Then I got to thinking "Teeth!" You know what comes next… Yes, I grabbed a toothbrush and started brushing back and forth. That didn't work. I remembered that lesson they taught us in third grade (when the dental hygienist comes to school and gives everybody a toothbrush and those red pills) that you don't brush back and forth, but up and down. I had more success that way. I was still not 100% successful though. There was stuff still caught between the gold "teeth" and I would have tried dental floss if I could have gotten it to fit in there.

Out of desperation I grabbed a Q-tip and tried to shove it in the slot. It wouldn't fit, so I ripped most of the cotton off and it fit in the slot really tightly. It started getting the green Play-Doh off though. I went thought about 4 Q-tips, each getting more off until I didn't see any more sticking to the trace of cotton that was on the end of the Q-tip. I blew all the crumbs out of the slot and inspected it really closely and found that there was no visible green Play-Doh anymore. I slipped a game cartridge into the game and turned it on and it worked! I was so proud of myself, until I slipped the game cartridge in that I thought I cleaned the Play-Doh off of. It was Steven's favorite game too (the only one he knows how to play - Donkey Kong).

I figured that there was more Play-Doh stuck up inside the circuit board, which would involve taking the cartridge apart. That was a whole 'nother chore in itself. The game cartridges have special screws too, but not like the Game Boys. These screws are like reverse Torx screws with all the ridges on the outside instead of the inside. They are also recessed, so it would be impossible to take the screw out without seriously messing up the plastic case. There is only 1 screw though. Where there's a will, there's a way, since a game often costs almost half as much as a Game Boy. I put the tips of my wire clippers down in the recessed hole and clamped onto the ridges of the screw and twisted, taking a good share of the plastic off the recessed hole. It slipped off a few times, but I finally got it off. The covers slid open to reveal little scraps of Play-Doh stuck to the circuit board, which I brushed off with the toothbrush and polished with a pencil eraser. I put it back together the same way I took it apart and was so pleased with myself for fixing it.

I almost didn't give my son back the Game Boy, but I knew that his little heart would be sad if I didn't. I handed it back to him and told him that I fixed it. He said "oh." Then he grabbed it to go back in and play Donkey Kong with it. I explained to him that he shouldn't put anymore Play-Doh in it or anything else except Game Boy games, to which he responded, "oh." And went on playing.

The moral of the story? I can't think of one, except maybe that you should never allow "Santa" to give a three year old a Game Boy AND Play-Doh all in the same Christmas.

Bite me…

Never walk up to a pair of Dobermans and say, “Bite me!” even under your breath. Doberman pincers like to bite people… I know, I’ve been bitten by them before. So here I am at a campground and I was a 17 year old smart-Alec kid and there is this guy in a campsite across from ours playing a guitar – something that I was acutely interested in at the time. These people also had two Doberman pincers – dogs that I had absolutely despised. Let me tell you, I have never had good experiences with Dobermans. Like my earliest recollection with one was the three legged one down on the corner that used to chase me whenever I rode by on my bike – and would have gotten me if it had that 4th leg. I had gotten to know the people that owned the dog (or that the dog owned as the case may be) and though I enjoyed these people’s company, I loathed their dog. Well, as I visited and later got a babysitting job from them I had to get to know the dog. This dog and I had a mutual “understanding" I be nice to him, and he doesn’t attack me anymore. So here I am sitting in the living room staring at “Josh” (well, glaring would be probably more appropriate) and I’m waiting for the girl to wake up (who, believe it or not was more of a pain than the Doberman) and being as quiet as a mouse so I didn’t wake her up. I wasn’t an avid reader, so that left me with a lot of time to come up with ideas that only a 13-year old could come up with. My game was to whisper, “Josh!” as soft as I could without him hearing me. Now Doberman Pincers have a very acute sense of hearing – as I had discovered through this experiment, and they are also very smart – and I might add that they’re very demanding. I would start out speaking audibly, “Josh!” and watch his ears perk up from across the room. Then I would get softer “Josh!” and eventually it was “Josh!” which I knew I couldn’t hear and to me seemed like I was mouthing the words, but he heard it. So this three-legged dog would get up and hobble across the room not to just see what I wanted, because in his mind he had already figured out what I wanted. I wanted to pet him – that’s what he decided and he was going to prove his point by leaning on my legs and pinning me against the couch until I had sufficiently petted him as much as I wanted to. Well, needless to say, I didn’t try that experiment that often. Once the babysitting job had ended, the dog was back to chasing me on my bike and I was back to pedaling like the dickens to get past.

Then there was this Doberman that I had never even seen before... I had a paper route that was spread over about 8 miles distance and I did the whole thing on my bike – every day. It was also the responsibility of the paperboy to collect the money for subscriptions. This is the part I hated worse about the job. Back then it was more common for people to have biting dogs and I had had several run-ins with these dogs. Here’s how the scenario usually went: I would go up to the door, the dog would come running from around the house – foaming and frothing from the mouth with its teeth bared and the owner would always say, “don’t worry, he won’t bite” and before I had a chance to even relax my defensive stance, that dog would be munching on me. Then came the “surprised” response of the people, “He’s never done that before, I’m so sorry – bad boy” (speaking to the dog, of course) Since it was almost impossible to collect money from these people because they refused to pen up their dangerous animal, I would often times avoid collection from these people – and delivery of their newspaper would cease (well, I wish I would have thought of that part back then). Anyway, after attempting to collect money from one of these deadbeats and finding nobody home still, I got back down to the end of their 500 foot gravel driveway, at the bottom of the 12% grade hill – I was waiting at the road to see if there were any cars going by… and out of nowhere and without warning I felt a piercing, penetrating pain in my buttocks. I turned around to see this Doberman staring up at me with the look on his face as if to say, “yeah, I just bit you in the butt – so what are you going to do about it?”

There were other encounters like the stupid Doberman (which is rare for Dobermans) that jumped on my bike and got caught in the spokes – bending the spokes and possibly breaking his leg… and believe it or not I actually had sympathy for the creature. Other encounters I have forgotten because they were either insignificant or I have been protected from the trauma by amnesia, but I vividly remember that encounter at the campground where I whispered a barely audible, “bite me!” to those two Dobermans that were thankfully chained up securely. The guy came out and tried his best to calm down his vicious beasts – meanwhile chastising me for tempting his dogs as his wife stood there with her hands on her hips – with the look of, “how stupid could you get” in her eyes and his preteen daughter smirking at me.

The nerve of some people.