Bullies and Manipulators... Not Everything Is Always As It Seems

When I was a kid, I was an easy target for bullies. A lot of it had to do with being one of the smallest kids, which made me particularly vulnerable. I was never looking for trouble, but somehow it always seemed to find me. I always avoided confrontation at any cost, but I was also somewhat of an annoying kid, apparently. So, I guess I had it coming? Anyway, it was a regular thing to be harassed and picked on physically, verbally and mentally through my grade school years. These unfortunate experiences have given me insight. I can spot a bully in an altercation a mile away. There are different methods that bullies use against their victims and when they are caught, most of the time they turn it around to make it look like THEY (the bullies themselves) are the victims who were just minding their own business.
Bullies come in many shapes, sizes and demographics. Sometimes, the bully is one who you would least expect, because they don't always fit the stereotypical brawny kid who is too tough to be challenged physically. In fact, oftentimes bullies can come disguised as those who appear to be weaker, disadvantaged or vulnerable. I can't tell you how many bullies I had to deal with who were girls or younger kids. There was one girl in middle school who would threaten to beat me up almost every day... and I had no idea what her problem with me was. My best defense was to avoid her. She would tell me she was going to meet up with me at a certain place after school to beat me up, so I would find somewhere else to go. By her announcement, I could always avoid getting beat up, but we can't always avoid bullies.
Those who fit a profile of weakness, small stature or being female take advantage of their perceived vulnerabilities because people generally believe they couldn't possibly cause harm to anybody, and they enlist an army of others to their defense and abuse authorities (like principals, teachers, law enforcement or other agencies, supervisors, parents and so forth) to come to their aid. They are master manipulators, and often devise elaborate schemes to extort their victims. The end objectives differ, but typically the goal is power, attention or material compensation of some sort. The sheer thrill of breaking someone is a bonus.
A classic setup that is used quite often (because it is effective... at least in the short range) is when a bully picks a fight with a person who is an ideal target. Through constant haranguing and physical assaults, they get under the skin of their target. As much as the person tries to ignore the inappropriate and abusive behavior, the harassment continues until the target employs defensive measures. The very moment that person tries to defend themselves from the abuse, any defensive maneuver is exploited and used against the victim. Sometimes there are bruises or scars as "proof" that the victim had caused injury. Sometimes these injuries are even self-inflicted. It's part of the price that is paid for getting one's way. They aren't afraid of pain or injury as long as it works toward their advantage of reaching an objective.
They are used to getting what they want through their manipulation and abuse and will use people until they are no longer useful or who discover their lies and schemes, and then they discard them. Their loyalty only goes as far as their exploitation of a person, organization or system. What is really sickening is that many of them will even hide behind a church or other organizations that represent benevolence as part of their act of innocence and goodwill.
But it's all an act... and it falls apart under cross-examination and a little research. Since the stories change situationally (depending on who the manipulative bully is talking to or what their objective is at the time). One thing is usually consistent though, and that is the methods used. Since there is no loyalty, don't be surprised when this "vulnerable" person you're defending turns against you and uses the same methods against you that they've used against others they have used.
Bullies and manipulators are also adept at projection. They observe situations carefully and use situations and victimhood - even that of their very own victims - to turn the story around as if their own abusive actions were inflicted on them by their victims. It's pathetic, really, leaving any reliable witnesses with their mouths gaping open in disbelief. But any witnesses to the offenses are culled from their circle or discredited with any dirt that can be dug up - whether it is true, unsubstantiated rumor or fabricated.
So, how do we deal with these bullies? What is our best defense? The easiest way is to avoid any entanglements with them. Trust me, you DON'T want to be involved in any way, shape or form. But we can't always avoid them and sometimes we end up in personal or professional relationships with them. This requires constant documentation. Keep a journal, take accurate and timely notes, record conversations, make screenshots, enlist reliable and honest witnesses, use your resources of photography and video capabilities and any way you can document and protect yourself. Lies, exaggerations and fabrications any perceived credibility will eventually break down when truth and accuracy is presented and all will ultimately know the truth... who is trustworthy and who is not worthy of trust.

Superhuman Powers of Toddlers - Producing Material Out Of Nowhere

One thing that's always baffled me is the super-human ability of toddlers - one, being the skill of being able to make produce more material than what the kid started out with. Anyone who has closely observed a toddler in action will know exactly what I'm talking about.

For instance: You set the child in a high chair and give him some spaghetti. Come back to him and there is spaghetti literally EVERYWHERE in a 6-foot radius of the high chair, all over the tray, in his hair, all over his body and somehow some that has gotten inside his clothing... even the diaper sometimes. This doesn't even account for the food that he has already fed the dog. You KNOW you didn't give the kid that much spaghetti. It's not even possible for an adult to spread that amount of food out in such a large area. And you know the baby has finished (I mean, actually gotten sufficient amount of food in his mouth for him to be satisfied) because once he is no longer hungry, he attempts to throw every particle of food off the tray and onto the floor and anything or anyone else in the local vicinity.

All the input being taken into account, the chunky kid continues to gain more chunk, even if for all intents and purposes, it appears that none of the food makes it into his mouth. And the toddler also needs to get the energy from somewhere. As an active person, I know how many calories I burn from strenuous physical activity. I know how many more calories I need to ingest in order to keep up with a toddler too. And it's a lot. I might eat a donut or two... and I made the mistake of handing a nibble of donut to the baby as he was in the living room. How in the world such a small portion end up in such a large debris field of crumbs and white powder, I will never know. Now shut up and give me another donut so I'll have the energy to clean up this mess.

*Scat alert* If you don't want to read about poop, read no further.

Then comes the sheer volume of human waste produced by a toddler. I lose track of counting the number of diapers that a toddler completely fills during a day. An adult might use the restroom once, maybe twice during the day for such matters. A baby will poop, then once you change the diaper, will take satisfaction of pooping again in that fresh diaper. How is this even done? Several months ago, before we had babies in the house, we were thinking about having our garbage service come every other week because we weren't filling the can. And the stuff we DID put into the can was so light, I was wondering if someone was throwing bags of helium balloons away. Now, with three babies in the house, the garbage can gets so full every week that I have to get in and stomp down the garbage. Besides when we are knocking out walls for remodeling or decluttering, the last time I can recall having to stomp on the garbage to get it all to fit was when the kids were going to elementary school. The reason I remember that because I was jumping off the fire hydrant into the can when the school bus showed up, which was kind of humiliating hearing some of the kids laughing, "Look at that man jumping in that garbage can." I had to become more discreet about my trash-compacting activities after that.

Not only is there a significant amount of bulk added to the can now, but there is also a lot more weight - which can directly be attributed to soiled diapers. Bags and bags of them.

Now, this may seem kinda gross, but if you come as a guest to my house, prepare yourself for the smell of poop. That's a fact of life when you have babies. No matter how you bag up the diapers, or how many times you spray Febreeze, there will always be that smell lingering... wafting in the air under your nose as you try to enjoy any meal you try to enjoy. This smell doesn't account for the cat litter box, whatever the dog might have rolled in, or any walls, bedding or furniture that the babies might have finger-painted previously... and thank goodness this hasn't happened in this episode of parenting... yet. If you've gotten this far and you are grossed out, it's your own fault. I warned you. But any parent who's ever raised a toddler will shrug it off. Any parent who's raised a toddler deserves a badge... some sort of badge, even if it's brown and in the shape of a poop. Wear it with honor! If you are such a parent, you would wear any such badge proudly, because you survived toddlerhood.

Now onto puberty. 'Nother phase, 'nother badge deserved. We won't get too much off subject, but suffice it to say that toddlers DO have superhuman powers... only to be outdone by the powers of teenagers, which is a whole 'nother story in itself. Now, shall we discuss the superhuman power that toddlers have of finding things? I mean, finding things you thought were hidden or that you don't even remember owning anymore? Toddlers...

Responding to Toxic People

Sometimes you want to reprove the people directly and bluntly, who need to hear it the most, but those people are the least likely to do anything to change - but rather with their toxic, lying, manipulative personalities, they tend to turn around and attack anyone who dares to point out how they are hurting others and destroying lives. They will twist things around as if the person attempting to defend themselves against such harmful behavior is the aggressor and they are the victim, even to the point of resorting to making false accusations, projecting their own weaknesses as though they are others' faults.

Some of these toxic people, with their histrionics and effective manipulation tactics are VERY convincing because they have made a lifetime of this practice and get better at it with each episode, so it's sometimes really difficult to discern who is telling the truth in any given altercation. It gets to the point where you will start to develop trust issues, not only with the parties involved, but with people in general, because once you become a victim of manipulation, ensnared in lies, deceptions, half-truths, omissions of pertinent facts and character assassination towards you and those in your circle of family and close friends, it becomes difficult to trust anyone or their motives anymore.

At this point, the only things I can offer is:

First to be honest with yourself, with all your flaws, weakness and background. Don't beat yourself up over your past though, especially if you have changed, repented and moved on.

Second, know yourself. This is very important and helps you stay grounded, especially when a toxic person is using a technique called gaslighting to mess with your mind and make you think YOU are the one who is crazy. It helps to keep a daily journal and include not only the significant happenings in your life, but what people said, what you said and what your feelings were at the time. I have kept a daily journal for many years, but I wish I had been more faithful in times where I had the most difficulties in my life... where writing those thoughts down would have been helpful in, if nothing more, allowing me to know myself better.

Finally, the only other thing I can offer is to keep God in your life and not to become bitter. Don't become like the person who is attacking you. One of the best ways to serve God is to provide service and be compassionate towards other people, even if they have wronged you. This is THE best medicine to heal a spiritually and emotionally broken soul. You may never gain gratitude or even acknowledgement from those you have provided service to and in many cases they will even use your acts of service and sacrifice as ammunition in cases against you. Don't let that stop you though because God knows what you did, you know what you did and those who are in tune with listening to God will know who you truly are.

Rules for Toddlers

Photo credit: Julie Drake 1998

1) Find the most expensive things in the house and epically destroy them in the messiest way possible. Example: Pour honey all over a MacBook Pro.

2) If someone else is playing with something or using it, it should be yours and you will use the most extreme measures to get it in your possession. If the other person loses interest in it, then so do you.

3) Toys are only meant to distract you from your important mission of mayhem and destruction. Never give in to the distraction! Stay focused on the mission.

4) Food is not for eating, except for a token amount to placate parents. Every other non-edible item that can fit in the mouth is fair game. Pet food is edible, but also gets a desired disgusted reaction from parents. Win-win!

5) When parents are trying to dress you, it is your job to fight it. You may have to cooperate with them during the process, but once you are fully dressed and the parent is preoccupied with another child or any other important task, promptly remove all your clothes.

6) Your food and your diaper contents become your palette. Furniture and walls are your canvas. You are the artist.

7) Secret hiding places for car keys, wallets, cell phones, half-chewed sticky candies, bottles filled with milk are: between the couch cushions, garbage cans (this is especially true for car keys, cell phones and wallets), behind the furniture that is too heavy to be moved and in the toilet.

8) All toilet paper is to be removed from the roll and if you have time, it is to be deposited into the toilet.

9) You are an affectionate being. Your job is to sweetly desire affection, but only at times when adults are busy with important or time-sensitive tasks, but never at convenient times when on their terms.

10) Fight sleep. Sleep is a time where adults conspire to do enjoyable and relaxing activities that you aren’t allowed to be a part of. Use any means necessary to stay awake and never let your parents sleep either. Cry for no particular reason, ask for toys and bottles, poop your pants, find your loudest toy and play with it… do anything to destroy the peace.

11) Short rides in the car are your time for your power naps. You will need these moments to recharge so that you have the energy to cause mayhem when you get back home.

12) Bath time. Water is fun! Make sure it gets all over the bathroom floor, linens and any other thing in the bathroom that may be dry. Fight getting your hair washed and once your parent is distracted with trying to clean up your mess, empty the entire contents of any bottles into the bathtub, floors, rugs or anything that may distract your parent so you can get into other things.

13) Always act cute in public so that others can see how angelic you are and that you can never possibly be a terror at home… unless you are at a restaurant, theater or any other place where peace and decorum are expected. Then is the time to show your real colors.

14) Your parents take periodic breaks throughout the day to go to the bathroom and get food. Take note of these times and act like you are playing quietly while they sneak off to do their business. Once they are out of sight, escape! Run out the door and down the street. This is most effective when you have already taken off all your clothes. Be aware and plan ahead.

15) Books are for destroying. Great satisfaction can be gained through the ripping sensation at your fingertips. Take note of where your parents hide their pens, markers, scissors and glue. These are meant to facilitate in your book destruction… or any other item of value that happens to be in the area.

16) Scissors are also useful for self-cosmetology. Your first cut (before your parent can get the chance to ruin your artistic experience) is the hair in the front… all the way to the scalp. This will provide the most intense reaction from your mother - real tears!

17) You are an interior decorator. Do your job often and thoroughly. Organize the CDs, DVDs and video games by pulling them all out and scattering them on the floor. Don’t forget to take all the disks out of their cases, and if possible, break them or scratch the surfaces. This will ensure that your parent(s) will spend more time with you instead of relaxing or recreating.

18) If it’s liquid and in a container, the liquid needs to be liberated, anywhere and everywhere.

19) Electrical outlets look like a face. They need to be fed. With metal utensils or anything else that will fit. They are hungry.

20) Quiet time is meant for parents to be quiet and toddlers to be noisy.

Bonus: Toddlerhood only lasts only for a few years. Take advantage of it to the fullest. Before you know it, you will be sent off to preschool and then elementary school where you won’t be at home to demonstrate your epic toddler abilities anymore. Be creative in ways that are beyond these basic rules and your life will be rewarded by stories that your parents can share with other parents. You don’t want to be one of the lame children who has no stories, do you?