Give Yourself Permission

In all the world around us, there are voices vying for our attention and compliance. Then there are the voices in our heads. Some of them are our own judgments against ourselves, but mostly they are residuals of those who have had influence over us in some way or other. Sometimes, you need to give yourself permission to take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally and live your life to the fullest. In saying this, I’m not advocating a hedonistic lifestyle or denying compassion to those around us – to the contrary. But this is for those of us who, for various reasons, are stifled by unnecessary inhibitions and need to self-talk ourselves… to give permission to break through those barriers.

- Give yourself permission to get enough sleep, even if it means you take a nap during the day. 

- Give yourself permission to spend time getting necessary exercise and to spend the money necessary to remain physically fit.

- Give yourself permission to let go - to let go of toxic personalities and relationships and to let go of judgments you harbor against yourself.

- Give yourself permission to grieve – for as long as it takes. 

- Give yourself permission to let go of grief, when you are ready to move on.

- Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for mistakes you’ve long ago rectified. - Give yourself permission to enjoy delicious foods and to to enjoy the good things in life, when those opportunities are available to you. 

- Give yourself permission to love and have compassion to those who may seem unlovable or are undeserving of compassion in the eyes of others. 

- Give yourself permission to pursue your dreams, passions, hobbies and educational endeavors. 

- Give yourself permission to compete, when competition is necessary to succeed (within ethical and legal boundaries, of course). 

- Give yourself permission to quit when you no longer wish to compete.

- Give yourself permission to take a side… or to NOT take a side… to remain completely uninvolved, if that is what you desire.

- Give yourself permission to be autonomous – to have your own voice, unique personality and your independence. 

- Give yourself permission to seek help when needed – whether you are asking for volunteer help or paid professional help.

- Give yourself permission to say “no” when you feel overwhelmed… or simply when you feel uncomfortable committing to something. 

- Give yourself permission to give a straight answer without needing an excuse or alibi.

- Give yourself permission to spend time alone - uninterrupted. 

- Give yourself permission to dance and to celebrate, to laugh and to just be silly.

- Give yourself permission to worship according to your conscience – or to abstain from worship altogether, if that’s your desire.

- Give yourself permission to govern your own thoughts, perspectives and emotions - to guard them and to keep them private.

- Give yourself permission to be absolved of guilt or shame that doesn’t belong to you. 

- Give yourself permission to walk away from any situation that makes you feel threatened or uncomfortable. 

- Give yourself permission to own the rewards or adverse consequences of your actions – whatever the case may be.

- Give yourself permission to have honor in who you are and in your heritage.

- Above all, recognize that you are an agent unto yourself. Give yourself permission to be that and to go forward, to strive to reach your potential.

Chronic Illness and Pain: What You Need to Know

On behalf of all those dealing with chronic illness and/or pain:

- We're sick every day - just that some days are better.
- Most of us don't go around moping and trying to get sympathy though. We just want to get things done and get through life like everybody else.
- Pain and some chronic illness is is physically exhausting. If we say we need a nap, we NEED a nap. It's a necessary part of our daily routine.
- We don't sleep well at night and sleep is often elusive. Noises, light, discomfort and temperature extremes contribute to sleeplessness.
- Chronic illness and pain lead to other conditions like depression, anxiety and physical ailments and secondary conditions.
- Even minor relief of baseline pain is equivalent to pleasure. After being in a painful position for hours and then lying down or resting can bring a few moments of joy. Let us enjoy those moments.
- Please be patient with those who are hobbling around or walking slowly. Just because we aren't using a cane, walker or wheelchair doesn't mean we're not struggling.
- It may seem ironic, but some of us struggling with chronic pain/illness try to stay physically active... even running, hiking, cycling or other activities that others who don't suffer from those conditions may not participate in. It doesn't mean that the pain isn't there. It just means that we have to work that much harder to stay physically fit.
- Some of us struggle with multiple conditions/disabilities. Once again - just because there isn't a wheelchair, cane, walker or some other physical manifestation of a disability, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist or that we're "faking it." Accusations or speculation that we're doing this purposely to get out of work or to commit disability fraud are hurtful and just add to the anxiety we're already experiencing.
- Just because we can something one day, does not mean we can do the same thing every day. We have good days and bad days. The good days are usually a dip in the baseline of the symptoms. We're not "getting better" just because we have one good day or several good days and we're not necessarily getting worse because we revert back to baseline. Similarly, just because we can do one thing well, doesn't mean we can do another thing.
- Sudden starts, stops, jolts, jerks, surprises/shock can cause intense pain and/or trigger an adverse emotional/mental episode.
- Besides physical pain and/or mental impediments, there are emotional factors going on as well. Many of us have to deal with guilt and shame or feelings of inadequacy and limited self-worth. It helps to know that even though we have severe limitations, we are valuable to someone or have worth somewhere. We have limitations, but we are not useless.
- One of the fears of those who are on disability is that we'll lose our disability "status" and be denied our income or worse, have legal trouble or be investigated because some do-gooder thinks we are committing fraud. Even though we may be eligible to be employed (perhaps part-time or temporarily, even full-time), taking a job could jeopardize a disability claim and cause immeasurable financial distress. It's usually not worth the risk. We may engage in hobbies that mimic employment or find alternative ways to generate income on the side, but otherwise we "aren't looking for work." It may make you angry that there are actual fraudulent cases that exist, but it's not your place to try to sort those out or launch a DIY amateur investigation. This is one of areas where "mind your own business" is the best policy.
- We ALL deserve to try to find fulfillment in life. Pursuing an education, hobbies, recreation, volunteerism, religious worship or other methods of finding fulfillment should not be discouraged. Keep in mind, also, that those of us who commit to such things may not always be able to fully participate.
- Disability is a spectrum. Some people have severe limitations, while others are capable of doing some activities or even be employable. It would be considered rude and an invasion of privacy to probe into whether a person can or cannot do something or to compare one person's disability to another's - even if you are comparing your own disability to another who is disabled. Nobody knows what anybody else is going through.
- For someone with such conditions to say: "I'm fine" we're probably lying. Most people ask how we're doing as a matter of greeting anyway, not to really know how we're doing. It's better not to burden others with our pain and ailments.
- Having physical pain or mental/neurological conditions is not necessarily contagious (unless the illness that's causing it is). It's okay to touch us, hug us or attempt to comfort us. Sometimes, our movements or the words/sounds that come out of our mouths seem bizarre, but we mean no harm. It's as awkward for us as it is for you, but you can try to show empathy and compassion, mostly by not overreacting.
- Many of us have families with our own children or grandchildren. Disability alone does not necessarily make us bad parents. Sometimes we need assistance with daily tasks or help with our children. Sometimes we need respite to heal or manage life's challenges because we are much more susceptible to being overwhelmed than those who are not afflicted.
- The methods we use to manage our pain and illness differ widely. What I've found to work for me may or may not work for someone else and vise-versa. If you've found something that works for you, good. Please don't try to pressure me to use your methods or shame me because I am doing something different or not doing something you think I should be doing.

There may be other things to consider because we are all different and we all cope with pain or illness differently. This is from MY perspective, which may differ from anyone else's. I welcome comments or suggestions from others who suffer from chronic illness and pain or loved ones of those who have chronic conditions or disabilities. Suffice it to say that compassion and understanding go a long way.

Division by Demographics

Let's look at demographics for a moment. We each belong to a particular demographic - well, numerous demographics actually. These demographics add to the uniqueness of the individual, but also helps us to identify with others like us in those ways. There is nothing we should be ashamed of about these unique traits, most especially if it is a feature we have no control over.

Anyone who has been paying attention can't help but notice that "news" entities and social media (including individuals who subscribe to social media) are ramping up their campaign to categorize us into our respective demographics - and cause divisions... to generate enmity between those who are different from one another. A quick glance at an online news page, a periodical such as a printed newspaper or magazine, television stations and even Facebook or Twitter can give you an indication of what's going on. A high percentage of headlines feel it necessary to include demographic qualifiers such as race, gender, age, religion, ethnic/national origin, political affiliation, disability or health status, sexual orientation, economic status, education level, and so forth.

Why is this so? There are several reasons I can immediately think of. One reason is that it's a hot button that gets ratings. It causes anger and stirs the pot, drawing viewers, and thus generates revenue. This is sickening to think about because media moguls are raking in billions of dollars by causing contention and divisiveness. They don't really care about the long-term results of their irresponsible (and often untruthful) reporting - but what's most important to them is the bottom dollar. Contention is one of the commodities that sells and it just keeps selling. It's a cash cow for those who are sleazy enough to partake.

Another reason is due to a secondary effect. We all have strong emotions about our own demographic(s) and we want to either be recognized for something unique or we just want to be left alone... protected from persecution and discrimination. When the pot stirrers (usually media or at least fueled by mass media) bring up unsavory headlines that paint a broad stroke about a particular demographic, individuals tend to get on the defensive. Many of us want to band together in our respective demographic groups or at least speak out as individuals against those who have abused the First Amendment, weaponizing their right to free speech and press and going so far as assembling to suppress others' rights - even under the name of religion (or pseudo religious beliefs - or lack thereof) as a means to contend with, and ultimately gain dominance over different demographics.

Yet another reason (and this is probably what scares most of us), is that such divisiveness is fueled by and funded by dark political, social or religious entities. Hiding in the shadows or appearing as valorous icons, they employ angry mobs and the press to do their dirty work - using smear campaigns of their adversaries, while making their cause appear to be compassionate, altruistic and for the general betterment of society. Nothing could be further from the truth though, because when we are engaged in divisiveness, there can be no unity. It is the mentality of an evil despot that: "there can be no civility until our campaign is victorious."

It's really difficult to remain unspotted from this sin because it is so pervasive. When you are navigating a stream of raw sewage, it's hard not to get splashed by it occasionally. Personally, I have tried to step away from the onslaught, and at least have diligently tried refrain from being an instigator or instrument in propagating divisiveness, but it's tough. I'm doing my best to love and reach out with genuine compassion to my brothers and sisters on this planet and I would like to extend that challenge to each and every one of my friends who has taken the time to read this. We are not perfect people and we falter every once in awhile, but if we are moving in the right direction and we pick ourselves up and rectify our faults when we fall, that is the best we can do. My challenge is to not engage in or even patronize media that includes divisive headlines or content. Just keep scrolling past or don't buy their periodicals or watch their shows. Hopefully, by our efforts to not participate, we can clean up our media and work towards becoming more united. That is my hope anyway.

Qualifiers

I think we need to be careful about the way we label ourselves and others – what qualifiers we give ourselves: whether we are heroes, victims, saints or villains and the way we boast and glorify our accomplishments, virtues and intellect. If extreme terms are used too liberally, they lose their effect. If everybody is a victim, nobody is a victim. If everybody is a hero, nobody can rightfully receive that honor. If everybody is a genius, nobody is. If everybody is exceptional, than nobody is and if everyone you are at odds with is a villain, than real villains cease to exist. 

Words are important and language is the instrument we use to communicate. The use of proper and accurate descriptors is an important skill that can be powerful, but if misused and abused too often has the effect of rendering even the most potent terms to be meaningless. As an example, we’ve heard the word “awesome” used so many times to describe so many ordinary things, that nothing we call “awesome” is extraordinary anymore. 

Shameful Treatment of the Elderly

I've seen a lot in the news and social media disparaging certain demographics - ironically, usually by those who claim to be more accepting of diversity and tolerance. The ones the bother me most are the mean and spiteful comments about those who are of the older generations. Yeah, let's throw our elderly under the bus because they are no longer useful to us.

I have a lot of grave concerns about this ideology. The first thing that hits me is that this is a personal attack. I wouldn't consider myself elderly (yet), however I am officially a "senior" in many regards - I can now order from the back page on the Denny's menu.

While it is true that we degrade physically and mentally as we advance in our years, that doesn't mean that we have outlived our usefulness. To the contrary. I would like to challenge those of the younger generations to take some time and sit down with retirees and learn something about their lives. Learn something about how they made it through troubled times. Many of them are survivors of the Great Depression, World War II and through other struggles that you may never have even heard about. Things were a lot different back then and the challenges in life they had to navigate were of a completely different caliber.

I'm one of those who didn't grow up relying on technology, but later adapted and adopted. I am intimately familiar with both ways of life. I have become immersed in modern technology - even more advanced than what many of the younger generations enjoy and are capable of - but I also know how to survive without it. One of my concerns is that many children in the younger generations are too reliant upon technology (particularly artificial intelligence) and don't know how to manage life. They haven't learned (haven't needed to learn) life skills that are necessary for surviving... and thriving in this harsh and unforgiving world. It goes way beyond the ability to earn money.

When I was a young adult, I also thought that I was more clever than those who were older than me. Now I look back in embarrassment on how foolish I was to think that way. I think every generation goes through this. We learn a few modern concepts or how to work with technology that didn't exist when our forebears were our age, so we assume that the older generation is "behind the times" and their methods are "obsolete" or "irrelevant." Nothing could be further from the truth. What is most disturbing is that this falsehood is promulgated by what are considered to be "reputable" sources, whereas in the time when I was a young adult, if we dared to publicly talk that way about "old" people, we would be put in our place - appropriately.

There are stereotypes about every demographic. These are unfair and do not represent actual facts or apply to every person within the demographic being satirized. The interesting thing is that for most of these stereotypes, it is not ethical (according to societal standards) to uphold stereotypes - except for a few. At present time, the stereotype of what is supposed to represent what an "old" person is like is accepted in the culture of "Political Correctness" and very few dare to challenge that culture. Add one of a few other demographic qualifiers (for instance: white, male, Christian, or conservative) and the stereotype is intensified exponentially - so much so, that any one of us who belongs to this demographic is not only expected to be snubbed by the aforementioned PC culture, but we are also vilified. What a horrible way to treat a human being!

It is fair to say that there are a number of people in ANY categorized demographic that fit the full bill of their stereotype, in an almost comedic manner. In fact, there are many cartoons, comic strips and sketches that take full advantage of the natural comedy in such demographic stereotypes. Right or wrong, some of these are funny. The old man yelling "Get of my lawn!" is a familiar trope that most of us might laugh at. Other demographic stereotypes, we are told, are not funny and if we laugh, we are complicit in bigotry - thus, Political Correctness, by nature is hypocritical and belongs in its own demographic category... worthy of comedic scorn.

That being said, there are also MANY who belong to every categorized demographic who are uncharacteristic of their stereotype and it's unfair and unethical to prejudge them. I'm also talking about older generations, or maybe I should bring this back to the original crux of this post: disparaging of the elderly. While there are many older people who are crotchety and fail to adapt to technology and modern societal conventions, these are not everybody. Keep in mind, there are also some in younger generations who are angry or who don't fit into society or don't understand technology.

The thing that I'm getting at is that there are many kind, wise and knowledgeable people who are advanced in their years. Some have even kept up rather well with technology and current events. Many older folks are still sharp as a whip and by staying current in their learning, they have seen and experienced MUCH MORE than someone who has only been on this planet for a fraction of their age. This gives them a great advantage, because they understand how to avoid many pitfalls in life and they know how to navigate around life situations that happen over and over and over again. They observe the follies of youth and could help those faced with similar situations... if only they'd listen and if only they didn't think they already know it all. We can learn a lot from the elderly portion of our population. Sure, there are a lot of concepts that are now irrelevant because times have changed, but we can still adapt and apply the principles and tailor them to our own conditions. The elderly are an asset to us that we shouldn't overlook and we certainly shouldn't discard or discredit.

Finally, if nothing else, this should emphasize that we should do everything in our power to reverse the course of divisiveness, especially when the divisions are based upon artificial qualifiers. If we are going to be divisive in any way, let's make a division between good and evil - not in the imagined, stereotypical, or lockstep narratives of a particular partisan political or social narrative, but only those people or ideals that are truly have been found guilty of evil acts or have a propensity to do so. And even then, a decent person need only look at evil and proclaim: "I will not partake" and that should be sufficient.

Our Future... Our Children's Future

If nothing else, the events our attention have been focused on in the past few weeks are hopefully a wakeup call. The decisions we've made, the character and reputation we build for ourselves and the friends we hang out with have a profound effect on our future, whether we want to acknowledge it at the time or not.

Having lived in a college town that has a reputation for being at the top of the list for drugs, alcohol and partying, I've seen a lot and I continue to be surrounded by college students who hope to have professional careers someday. Seeing how some students behave and the image they create about themselves, I have a hard time fathoming how some can even remotely expect to be successful doctors, lawyers, professors, politicians or in any other field where decency and proper decorum are necessary.

I understand that not everybody wants to follow the path that leads to a professional career or that of a high-profile public official. That's ok. We shouldn't all be expected to aspire to those positions. However... If a person, somewhere in the back of his/her mind even has the remote inkling of a notion to ever be in the public's eye, they must expect that every embarrassing misdeed they've ever done in their past (and even things they haven't done) are going to be thrust into the public arena for all the world to see. They're going to be hated by some, and they're going to be revered by others. They're going to receive nasty messages and maybe even death threats for what they stand for.

We should expect this treatment of any public official from now on. We can't recklessly set venomous precedence and somehow expect that the course will magically be reversed. There is no antidote. To expect that exculpation or redemption is possible after episodes of gratuitous reveling and living a carefree lifestyle is possible is delusional. The public does not forgive and the Internet does not forget. Accusers, even those you never recall ever knowing or even meeting before will come out of the woodwork to crucify you - all in the guise of "social justice."

Suffice it to say that to anyone who ever plans to have a successful career (other than in menial or manual labor) - that the eyes of the world are upon you and you WILL be harshly judged by your acts, demeanor and the image you portray, and even the foolish things you did in your youth WILL eventually come back to haunt you. It would behoove any child with ambitions for greatness that it isn't enough to just develop the necessary skills and get the exemplary grades and put the hours into extracurricular activities to pad a résumé. Nope, you're going to have to be squeaky clean and be able to demonstrate to the world that you're better than all the people who are casting judgment upon you. You're going to have to have to leave the impression that it is not even within your nature to commit a transgression of any nature or even slip up due to a lack of judgment. Ever.

For all those whose words have been harsh and whose speculation exceeds the parameters of fact, who are so determined to slaughter the character of public officials (and even those they claim to be friends with on social media) they don't like or agree with, I say: Go ahead cast the first stone.

Kangaroo Courts

It is disturbing what our society has come to. We live in a time where instead of resolving issues at the lowest possible level and in the appropriate time and place, it has become accepted (and even encouraged, by some circles) to hold off until the opportune moment and in the most ideal settings that would render the most damage possible. If you don’t like a person or if you disagree with their ideals or if you have a vendetta against their particular demographic, you can effectively nuke that person’s life, livelihood and reputation (without regard to the collateral damage and how your reprehensible acts set precedence), and you don’t even need more than a mere accusation or shard of verbal “evidence” (often which is taken out of context) - to try, convict and sentence your opponent in a kangaroo court or in the court of popular opinion. 

I believe in the constitution, and in due process and I believe that if criminal or civil charges are brought against a person, there should be a formal complaint filed and the accused has a right to a fair and speedy trial, with impartial judges and jury. Evidence should be brought forth and credible witnesses should be heard and all those who are subpoenaed are to appear in court to give their testimony and be subject to being thoroughly cross-examined (including the accuser). Due process not only has the power to convict those who are guilty, but it also has the put at liberty and exonerate those who are wrongly accused. 

We must come to the understanding that just because someone is being accused and just because the accuser has an emotional appeal, does not by itself imply guilt on the party of the accused. We must also come to the understanding that accusers often have ulterior motives and may even be backed by a party with a particular agenda bearing a specific narrative. We can’t automatically assume that an accuser has nothing to gain - either personally or as a representative of a commercial entity, a religious affiliation, a political party or a social movement. Any investigation should take into account such motives and affiliations for relevance in a case. 

We must also come to the understanding that while it is easy now to destroy a person’s life and reputation using the tools of social media and the Internet in general, that decisions to do so aren’t always in our best interest. These decisions set precedence and patterns that are destructive and divisive to our society as a whole. They weaken confidence and undermine bold attempts that are necessary for risk-takers: innovators who shape our culture in a positive and constructive manner and who inspire greatness by their endeavors. We ALL have things in our past that are regretful and embarrassing and if brought to light by the tools of gossip and public shaming, could destroy our reputation, livelihood and will to move forward in life.

Let me share a relevant personal experience. As a youth, I grew up in meager circumstances. Our parents couldn’t afford many of the luxuries that many of my peers enjoyed. I was bright, but eccentric and for reasons I am just now starting to understand, I was an underachiever. As such, I was the subject of merciless bullying. Most of the time, I would just try to ignore the bullies or find activities that kept me away from them. Instead of going out to the playground or “hanging out” in the hallways at school, I would often spend my recess time in the library, reading encyclopedias and other reference or non-fiction books. Ironically, I had a thirst for knowledge, but a disdain for the public education process. It probably had a lot to do with having to be subject to the verbal, physical, emotional, and yes… even sexual abuse by early elementary teachers and classmates. This abuse followed me all throughout school. I was also a scrawny kid, which made me an easy target for bullies. Some of those who are in my present social circle - even on social media - are among those who were guilty of bullying. Ironically, some of the most vocal on Facebook about “social justice” are those who treated me with such disrespect when I was in my most vulnerable years. I won’t call them out… you know who you are. I am also a forgiving person and would never consider doxxing or publicly castigating those who took part in making my early years almost unbearable. I also believe that people change and as we become adults, our embarrassing years of youth can be a thing of the past. I also was guilty of things I wasn’t proud of. I wouldn’t consider myself a bad kid, but I did a lot of things out of curiosity and exploration, but also I often responded defensively - and many times was out of line.

One such instance came to mind due to recent controversies. I was in 7th or 8th grade (about 13 or 14) and the usual bullying was taking place. Some kid came and punched me in the arm. It was excruciatingly painful. I was distraught and took my big thick math book, chased the guy down and beat him over the head with it. A faculty member witnessed it and we were both pulled into the vice principal's office. When the vice principal asked what happened, I said that he had punched me in the arm and that's why I hit him with the book. Then the kid that I had accused of punching me responded, "It wasn't me, it was ________." At that moment, I realized that I had been mistaken. I had retaliated against the wrong person. I could have spared him from punishment by admitting that it was a case of mistaken identity, but I didn't. The guy that was sitting in the principal's office was mean to me on other occasions, so I didn't bother to recant my account at this time. It was the perfect opportunity for revenge. The vice principal was not impartial in this case because the kid was already labeled as a troublemaker. I was excused and the other kid was left in the office to receive his unjust punishment. I've thought about this many times since then and felt bad about it and didn't know how to rectify my error. I'm glad that it didn't lead to a person innocent of a crime going to prison or ruining his life and career. At the time, I was only concerned about my own reputation and avoiding punishment. I don't know what mechanism there was that made me accuse the wrong person. It may have been because I was so distraught that I lashed out at the nearest person that represented a bully to me. It may have been because that since it appeared that he laughed, he was the one who punched me. I do know that when people are under duress, they are more subject to errors in judgment and errors in memory. Eyewitness accounts by those who've experienced a traumatic event are subject to errors in their reporting. This is a known fact. To the best of my knowledge, both of the young men that were involved in the incident grew up and grew out of their bullying ways and the one who punched me in the arm has become a successful and reputable person in the community. While this is not always the case (many abusers continue this pattern throughout their lives), there are also those who rise above their childhood and become respectable, productive and positive influences in society - whether you agree with their particular set of values or not. We have to believe in the power of redemption and forgiveness and be willing to forgive those who have offended us or we become embittered, poisoning our own souls with resentment and vindictiveness. 

One of the great ironies that I’ve seen is that those same people or social entities that believe in programs geared toward rehabilitation for crimes and other offenses, are some of the same who would be willing to lock offenders up and throw away the key or at least to bring their life as they know and enjoy it to ruin - if the offender’s values or opinions don’t line up with their own views and agenda or if the offender is of a particular demographic (race, gender, religion, political affiliation, social status, vocation/income bracket, etc.). When claiming to be tolerant of diverse factors, we must also love and be inclusive toward those we disagree with and of ALL demographics, otherwise such claims are null and void. 

My plea is that we all do some introspection into who we are personally, and what we want to accomplish within our social interactions. If we want to become more loving, forgiving, accepting, inclusive and compassionate people, then go forward and live those principles. If you want to allow your anger, bitterness and vindictiveness to overtake you, that’s your decision too. Be honest with yourself and own it.

The Boon of Plastic

There's been a lot of talk about plastics lately. I've read people's comments and heard conversations about how "plastic is poison" and that we should ban plastics. Okay, what are the alternatives? It's pretty ignorant to think about reverting to a world without plastic at this point - especially when voiced by people who rely so heavily upon it. I find it humorous that the people are making these comments are using devices made almost entirely of plastic to voice their opinions.

Plastic is perhaps THE ONE thing that has enabled us to advance into the age of technology. Without plastic, the world would definitely be different - but not necessarily in a good way though. There are devices and processes that would not even be possible. Virtually every modern essential uses plastic in some way, shape or form - from communications to construction to transportation to medical to educational to food and agriculture - plastic is the one common denominator that makes it all possible and in the least expensive, most durable and most hygienic way possible.

With every advantage, there's also going to be drawbacks though. As with all our resources, we need to be good stewards or there will be adverse consequences. Although plastic is fairly inert, the mass quantity of plastic that enters into the waste stream seems to be unmanageable. Though in North America (and other industrialized areas of the world) we have infrastructures in place to manage recyclables, we still can do better. While the vast majority of the plastic that enters into oceans and other bodies of water are from third-world countries that don't have and infrastructure in place (or don't really care about the environment), there is still a notable amount from the U.S. that makes it into the oceans and litter our public lands. This is unacceptable. But calling on outright bans of certain plastic items... or worse, all plastics, not only demonstrates the ignorance of those calling on the bans but demanding such radical decrees is detrimental to the industrialized infrastructure that is in place. Since this notion is absolutely absurd anyway, such a ban isn't going to happen.

I have worked with materials (wood, metal, plastic, glass, ceramics, etc.) for most of my life and just in the past 50 years or so, I have observed the evolution and progress that has been made with technology and manufacturing. We can make things now that weren't even a possibility just a few decades before.

As stewards over these resources, we need to be responsible at the consumer level. We can't and shouldn't expect government regulations and decrees by political figures to solve problems that we personally are a part of causing. It's fair to say that most of the population does not know where plastic comes from, the differences between types of plastics or where it goes when it's disposed of. One of the things I want to do in my life is to not only be a part of educating others about the benefits of materials and how to be more resourceful, but also to be more of an active part in the chain of reuse/repurposing of such and proper disposal of that which is no longer usable. It's quite a learning curve. I've been doing this for most of my life, but I still have a lot to learn and as technology advances, we have to keep up with that as well.

Stay tuned for more specifics on what I'm doing and learning and what we're doing as a family.

Bullies and Manipulators... Not Everything Is Always As It Seems

When I was a kid, I was an easy target for bullies. A lot of it had to do with being one of the smallest kids, which made me particularly vulnerable. I was never looking for trouble, but somehow it always seemed to find me. I always avoided confrontation at any cost, but I was also somewhat of an annoying kid, apparently. So, I guess I had it coming? Anyway, it was a regular thing to be harassed and picked on physically, verbally and mentally through my grade school years. These unfortunate experiences have given me insight. I can spot a bully in an altercation a mile away. There are different methods that bullies use against their victims and when they are caught, most of the time they turn it around to make it look like THEY (the bullies themselves) are the victims who were just minding their own business.
Bullies come in many shapes, sizes and demographics. Sometimes, the bully is one who you would least expect, because they don't always fit the stereotypical brawny kid who is too tough to be challenged physically. In fact, oftentimes bullies can come disguised as those who appear to be weaker, disadvantaged or vulnerable. I can't tell you how many bullies I had to deal with who were girls or younger kids. There was one girl in middle school who would threaten to beat me up almost every day... and I had no idea what her problem with me was. My best defense was to avoid her. She would tell me she was going to meet up with me at a certain place after school to beat me up, so I would find somewhere else to go. By her announcement, I could always avoid getting beat up, but we can't always avoid bullies.
Those who fit a profile of weakness, small stature or being female take advantage of their perceived vulnerabilities because people generally believe they couldn't possibly cause harm to anybody, and they enlist an army of others to their defense and abuse authorities (like principals, teachers, law enforcement or other agencies, supervisors, parents and so forth) to come to their aid. They are master manipulators, and often devise elaborate schemes to extort their victims. The end objectives differ, but typically the goal is power, attention or material compensation of some sort. The sheer thrill of breaking someone is a bonus.
A classic setup that is used quite often (because it is effective... at least in the short range) is when a bully picks a fight with a person who is an ideal target. Through constant haranguing and physical assaults, they get under the skin of their target. As much as the person tries to ignore the inappropriate and abusive behavior, the harassment continues until the target employs defensive measures. The very moment that person tries to defend themselves from the abuse, any defensive maneuver is exploited and used against the victim. Sometimes there are bruises or scars as "proof" that the victim had caused injury. Sometimes these injuries are even self-inflicted. It's part of the price that is paid for getting one's way. They aren't afraid of pain or injury as long as it works toward their advantage of reaching an objective.
They are used to getting what they want through their manipulation and abuse and will use people until they are no longer useful or who discover their lies and schemes, and then they discard them. Their loyalty only goes as far as their exploitation of a person, organization or system. What is really sickening is that many of them will even hide behind a church or other organizations that represent benevolence as part of their act of innocence and goodwill.
But it's all an act... and it falls apart under cross-examination and a little research. Since the stories change situationally (depending on who the manipulative bully is talking to or what their objective is at the time). One thing is usually consistent though, and that is the methods used. Since there is no loyalty, don't be surprised when this "vulnerable" person you're defending turns against you and uses the same methods against you that they've used against others they have used.
Bullies and manipulators are also adept at projection. They observe situations carefully and use situations and victimhood - even that of their very own victims - to turn the story around as if their own abusive actions were inflicted on them by their victims. It's pathetic, really, leaving any reliable witnesses with their mouths gaping open in disbelief. But any witnesses to the offenses are culled from their circle or discredited with any dirt that can be dug up - whether it is true, unsubstantiated rumor or fabricated.
So, how do we deal with these bullies? What is our best defense? The easiest way is to avoid any entanglements with them. Trust me, you DON'T want to be involved in any way, shape or form. But we can't always avoid them and sometimes we end up in personal or professional relationships with them. This requires constant documentation. Keep a journal, take accurate and timely notes, record conversations, make screenshots, enlist reliable and honest witnesses, use your resources of photography and video capabilities and any way you can document and protect yourself. Lies, exaggerations and fabrications any perceived credibility will eventually break down when truth and accuracy is presented and all will ultimately know the truth... who is trustworthy and who is not worthy of trust.

Superhuman Powers of Toddlers - Producing Material Out Of Nowhere

One thing that's always baffled me is the super-human ability of toddlers - one, being the skill of being able to make produce more material than what the kid started out with. Anyone who has closely observed a toddler in action will know exactly what I'm talking about.

For instance: You set the child in a high chair and give him some spaghetti. Come back to him and there is spaghetti literally EVERYWHERE in a 6-foot radius of the high chair, all over the tray, in his hair, all over his body and somehow some that has gotten inside his clothing... even the diaper sometimes. This doesn't even account for the food that he has already fed the dog. You KNOW you didn't give the kid that much spaghetti. It's not even possible for an adult to spread that amount of food out in such a large area. And you know the baby has finished (I mean, actually gotten sufficient amount of food in his mouth for him to be satisfied) because once he is no longer hungry, he attempts to throw every particle of food off the tray and onto the floor and anything or anyone else in the local vicinity.

All the input being taken into account, the chunky kid continues to gain more chunk, even if for all intents and purposes, it appears that none of the food makes it into his mouth. And the toddler also needs to get the energy from somewhere. As an active person, I know how many calories I burn from strenuous physical activity. I know how many more calories I need to ingest in order to keep up with a toddler too. And it's a lot. I might eat a donut or two... and I made the mistake of handing a nibble of donut to the baby as he was in the living room. How in the world such a small portion end up in such a large debris field of crumbs and white powder, I will never know. Now shut up and give me another donut so I'll have the energy to clean up this mess.

*Scat alert* If you don't want to read about poop, read no further.

Then comes the sheer volume of human waste produced by a toddler. I lose track of counting the number of diapers that a toddler completely fills during a day. An adult might use the restroom once, maybe twice during the day for such matters. A baby will poop, then once you change the diaper, will take satisfaction of pooping again in that fresh diaper. How is this even done? Several months ago, before we had babies in the house, we were thinking about having our garbage service come every other week because we weren't filling the can. And the stuff we DID put into the can was so light, I was wondering if someone was throwing bags of helium balloons away. Now, with three babies in the house, the garbage can gets so full every week that I have to get in and stomp down the garbage. Besides when we are knocking out walls for remodeling or decluttering, the last time I can recall having to stomp on the garbage to get it all to fit was when the kids were going to elementary school. The reason I remember that because I was jumping off the fire hydrant into the can when the school bus showed up, which was kind of humiliating hearing some of the kids laughing, "Look at that man jumping in that garbage can." I had to become more discreet about my trash-compacting activities after that.

Not only is there a significant amount of bulk added to the can now, but there is also a lot more weight - which can directly be attributed to soiled diapers. Bags and bags of them.

Now, this may seem kinda gross, but if you come as a guest to my house, prepare yourself for the smell of poop. That's a fact of life when you have babies. No matter how you bag up the diapers, or how many times you spray Febreeze, there will always be that smell lingering... wafting in the air under your nose as you try to enjoy any meal you try to enjoy. This smell doesn't account for the cat litter box, whatever the dog might have rolled in, or any walls, bedding or furniture that the babies might have finger-painted previously... and thank goodness this hasn't happened in this episode of parenting... yet. If you've gotten this far and you are grossed out, it's your own fault. I warned you. But any parent who's ever raised a toddler will shrug it off. Any parent who's raised a toddler deserves a badge... some sort of badge, even if it's brown and in the shape of a poop. Wear it with honor! If you are such a parent, you would wear any such badge proudly, because you survived toddlerhood.

Now onto puberty. 'Nother phase, 'nother badge deserved. We won't get too much off subject, but suffice it to say that toddlers DO have superhuman powers... only to be outdone by the powers of teenagers, which is a whole 'nother story in itself. Now, shall we discuss the superhuman power that toddlers have of finding things? I mean, finding things you thought were hidden or that you don't even remember owning anymore? Toddlers...

Responding to Toxic People

Sometimes you want to reprove the people directly and bluntly, who need to hear it the most, but those people are the least likely to do anything to change - but rather with their toxic, lying, manipulative personalities, they tend to turn around and attack anyone who dares to point out how they are hurting others and destroying lives. They will twist things around as if the person attempting to defend themselves against such harmful behavior is the aggressor and they are the victim, even to the point of resorting to making false accusations, projecting their own weaknesses as though they are others' faults.

Some of these toxic people, with their histrionics and effective manipulation tactics are VERY convincing because they have made a lifetime of this practice and get better at it with each episode, so it's sometimes really difficult to discern who is telling the truth in any given altercation. It gets to the point where you will start to develop trust issues, not only with the parties involved, but with people in general, because once you become a victim of manipulation, ensnared in lies, deceptions, half-truths, omissions of pertinent facts and character assassination towards you and those in your circle of family and close friends, it becomes difficult to trust anyone or their motives anymore.

At this point, the only things I can offer is:

First to be honest with yourself, with all your flaws, weakness and background. Don't beat yourself up over your past though, especially if you have changed, repented and moved on.

Second, know yourself. This is very important and helps you stay grounded, especially when a toxic person is using a technique called gaslighting to mess with your mind and make you think YOU are the one who is crazy. It helps to keep a daily journal and include not only the significant happenings in your life, but what people said, what you said and what your feelings were at the time. I have kept a daily journal for many years, but I wish I had been more faithful in times where I had the most difficulties in my life... where writing those thoughts down would have been helpful in, if nothing more, allowing me to know myself better.

Finally, the only other thing I can offer is to keep God in your life and not to become bitter. Don't become like the person who is attacking you. One of the best ways to serve God is to provide service and be compassionate towards other people, even if they have wronged you. This is THE best medicine to heal a spiritually and emotionally broken soul. You may never gain gratitude or even acknowledgement from those you have provided service to and in many cases they will even use your acts of service and sacrifice as ammunition in cases against you. Don't let that stop you though because God knows what you did, you know what you did and those who are in tune with listening to God will know who you truly are.

Rules for Toddlers

Photo credit: Julie Drake 1998

1) Find the most expensive things in the house and epically destroy them in the messiest way possible. Example: Pour honey all over a MacBook Pro.

2) If someone else is playing with something or using it, it should be yours and you will use the most extreme measures to get it in your possession. If the other person loses interest in it, then so do you.

3) Toys are only meant to distract you from your important mission of mayhem and destruction. Never give in to the distraction! Stay focused on the mission.

4) Food is not for eating, except for a token amount to placate parents. Every other non-edible item that can fit in the mouth is fair game. Pet food is edible, but also gets a desired disgusted reaction from parents. Win-win!

5) When parents are trying to dress you, it is your job to fight it. You may have to cooperate with them during the process, but once you are fully dressed and the parent is preoccupied with another child or any other important task, promptly remove all your clothes.

6) Your food and your diaper contents become your palette. Furniture and walls are your canvas. You are the artist.

7) Secret hiding places for car keys, wallets, cell phones, half-chewed sticky candies, bottles filled with milk are: between the couch cushions, garbage cans (this is especially true for car keys, cell phones and wallets), behind the furniture that is too heavy to be moved and in the toilet.

8) All toilet paper is to be removed from the roll and if you have time, it is to be deposited into the toilet.

9) You are an affectionate being. Your job is to sweetly desire affection, but only at times when adults are busy with important or time-sensitive tasks, but never at convenient times when on their terms.

10) Fight sleep. Sleep is a time where adults conspire to do enjoyable and relaxing activities that you aren’t allowed to be a part of. Use any means necessary to stay awake and never let your parents sleep either. Cry for no particular reason, ask for toys and bottles, poop your pants, find your loudest toy and play with it… do anything to destroy the peace.

11) Short rides in the car are your time for your power naps. You will need these moments to recharge so that you have the energy to cause mayhem when you get back home.

12) Bath time. Water is fun! Make sure it gets all over the bathroom floor, linens and any other thing in the bathroom that may be dry. Fight getting your hair washed and once your parent is distracted with trying to clean up your mess, empty the entire contents of any bottles into the bathtub, floors, rugs or anything that may distract your parent so you can get into other things.

13) Always act cute in public so that others can see how angelic you are and that you can never possibly be a terror at home… unless you are at a restaurant, theater or any other place where peace and decorum are expected. Then is the time to show your real colors.

14) Your parents take periodic breaks throughout the day to go to the bathroom and get food. Take note of these times and act like you are playing quietly while they sneak off to do their business. Once they are out of sight, escape! Run out the door and down the street. This is most effective when you have already taken off all your clothes. Be aware and plan ahead.

15) Books are for destroying. Great satisfaction can be gained through the ripping sensation at your fingertips. Take note of where your parents hide their pens, markers, scissors and glue. These are meant to facilitate in your book destruction… or any other item of value that happens to be in the area.

16) Scissors are also useful for self-cosmetology. Your first cut (before your parent can get the chance to ruin your artistic experience) is the hair in the front… all the way to the scalp. This will provide the most intense reaction from your mother - real tears!

17) You are an interior decorator. Do your job often and thoroughly. Organize the CDs, DVDs and video games by pulling them all out and scattering them on the floor. Don’t forget to take all the disks out of their cases, and if possible, break them or scratch the surfaces. This will ensure that your parent(s) will spend more time with you instead of relaxing or recreating.

18) If it’s liquid and in a container, the liquid needs to be liberated, anywhere and everywhere.

19) Electrical outlets look like a face. They need to be fed. With metal utensils or anything else that will fit. They are hungry.

20) Quiet time is meant for parents to be quiet and toddlers to be noisy.

Bonus: Toddlerhood only lasts only for a few years. Take advantage of it to the fullest. Before you know it, you will be sent off to preschool and then elementary school where you won’t be at home to demonstrate your epic toddler abilities anymore. Be creative in ways that are beyond these basic rules and your life will be rewarded by stories that your parents can share with other parents. You don’t want to be one of the lame children who has no stories, do you?